Why hello there

I’m still here. I got a job on the East Coast and traveled a bit after I was done. Got home about two weeks ago, worked a temp job in my old hometown for two weeks and finally am now home! So nice to be in my own bed AND for the first time in years I am able to have my dog with me. She is my best friend and it is amazing to be able to have her with me finally!

Senior year! It has taken me so long with many detours to finally get to this point and I can’t believe it. It will be a very busy year. I am working a full time job in a residential treatment facility for juveniles, interning 16-20hrs a week as an independent living case worker in a government agency, along with school. Definitely busy but for me keeping busy is the best for right now.

My parents divorce was finalized over the summer. Which was far more messy than anticipated but in the end my dad bought a house in another town and moved in my youngest brother, his girlfriend and my niece. Since the divorce my mom has cut all contact with us. I went to her house(house I grew up in)to get my dog and a box I had left there before coming back here and she had a guy staying over. She was manic and drinking, which makes her a complete handful. She won’t stop smiling, laughing and incessantly talking about who knows what. I tried to spend time with her but I ended up leaving before dinner because she was loudly(and she knew I was in the next room within earshot)trash-talking my dad to this guy and brought up the fact my dad has always liked me more than her, I was always his favorite and he ignored her if I was around. It made me uncomfortable to hear her say all of these things to this guy. It would have made me uncomfortable if it was just a private conversation between us even. A few years ago I would have blamed myself for the demise of their 30+yr marriage but at this point, hell no. I am done trying to be a good daughter and attempt to keep the relationship somewhat intact. Relationships are two-way streets and there is no trying on her part, ever! Maybe I have finally come to a place of accepting that this is a relationship that needs to over for now.

My biodad called me for the first time in four years. My biobrother was sentenced to almost three years in prison. My biomom started using again after two years sober. Asher’s adoption is now closed. I have so many things to say about adoption right now but I can’t even will myself to go there. It has become a very emotional subject for me. I think as a self preservation tool my mind has put adoption into the denial box. One thing I will say about what is going through my mind is: adoption has made me feel incredibly isolated and alone, not just right now but throughout my life. I have always been very independent and always made sure I never needed to rely on anyone. Well, maybe I need to just give it up. Let someone in. Lean on someone else for awhile or at least have someone to talk to(other than a therapist). I just don’t have anyone like that where I live and honestly most people my age aren’t good with stuff like this. Not to mention, I don’t know anyone around here that would even understand.

Thankfully, I was living on the other side of the states during all of this and for that I am incredibly thankful. Now, it is back to reality and keeping myself busy to deal with this all on another day.

One response to “Why hello there

  • Judith Land

    Everyone has a role and purpose in life. Responding to each life crisis is an opportunity for creative change to grow to your full potential. We all experience situations that leave us feeling hurt and baffled; when this happens we have difficulty objectively viewing those around us, and forgiving their behavior. To make the best of life we sometimes need to let go of our old roles to find a renewal of purpose. Self-image is the key to a better life. The self-image sets the boundaries of human accomplishment. It is the key to our personality, our behavior, and our character.  When we enlarge the scope of our self-image through confidence building we enlarge the scope of what we can do in this world to reach self-fulfillment.

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