I’ll Never Know

Kinda thought I was a mystery and then I thought I wasn’t meant to be

– Imagine Dragons

I’ll probably never know the real me. The person who I was supposed to be or should have been. Adoption plays a big role in this. I believe my personality would ultimately be the same. The things that make me, me would not be different. I will never know what I could have been or how I could have ended up.

I had an incredibly rude wake up call this past week. It sent me nosediving into the abyss of self hatred, anxiety and wanting answers to questions that I may never get to ask and even if I did would probably not get an answer. At least not the one I want to hear.

I am taking a statistics class next quarter and since it is math based I decided to finally turn in my disabilities paperwork so if I needed the help I would have everything taken care of ahead of time. Everyone who needs help through disability services has to have their initial interview with the director. So I turn in all my paperwork the day before so he can be prepared for our meeting. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach before I ever walked into this meeting. I almost cancelled. We get to talking and when we were done talking about the help I could receive, I asked him how the GRE would work for me concerning my learning disability. I would like to take it this coming October. He told me that there is nothing that can be done in terms of help for the GRE. I wasn’t too upset to hear that considering getting my masters in social work is my plan b. Working in healthcare has always been my top choice. With only two years left before I would be ineligible to receive financial aid. I decided to get my undergrad in social work because if I tried my absolute hardest to get into a Physician Assistant or Nurse Practitioner program and was not accepted than I could say at least I gave it my all. Then and only then would I feel comfortable staying in social work. So after hearing that I asked him about chemistry and what help I could receive with that. Nothing. I can’t receive help with chemistry whatsoever because it is not a math class. He asked me what the last university I was at said about it. Well they told me that getting into their nursing program would not happen for me. They have hundreds of 4.0 students applying for 60 spots once a year. He gets this look on his face and he says “well, when I was looking over your paperwork I noticed the psychologist pointed out the fact there is a chance your birthmom used cocaine while she was pregnant with you”. I interrupted him and told him that I don’t necessarily believe her. There were a lot of hurtful things she said during our first phone conversation and in my mind it just seemed like she was trying to get me to hate her or not want a relationship with her. So I completely brushed it off as another of her hurtful comments. I never really thought of it again until a year after hearing that piece of information I went in to get tested for a learning disability, to see if my childhood ADHD was contributing at all and IQ testing. Getting this testing done is quite a process. Four days of interrogating, ridiculous questions, games and then after all the testing is done the psychologist has you come in and talk about the results. The first session is literally a 3hr interrogation from your mothers pregnancy with you, their education and their parents education, your upbringing, academic career, ect. When the question was asked if my mother took any substances while pregnant came up I just told him what I had been told but also threw it in there that I don’t really think she was telling the truth. When I think of a baby exposed to drugs in utero, I certainly don’t think of me as a baby as one of those babies. I walked at 9months, was talking early and have been that way my whole life. So when this disability services supervisor told me I should take a hard look at my life and maybe not to completely dismiss this information I just started bawling. He went on to mention that my dream of being a NP or PA is just not in the cards for me as I “need to realize my deficiencies and face reality”. I really wanted to tell him to f*** off.

So when I got back to my car I just sat there fuming mad. I am not sure I have ever been so angry. Someone who is supposed to help those most struggling academically should not treat people the way he treated me. As if I was somehow damaged by something completely out of my control than tells me there really isn’t much that can be done for me as far as their services are concerned because free tutoring is reserved for first generation college students and minorities. Yea, my $500+paperwork to finally find out what was keeping me from succeeding academically does not help me in getting any help whatsoever.

So now I wonder why I am in college. An undergrad social work degree is practically useless without a masters degree. I can expect to make 14-15 dollars an hour with just this degree. Nice. I should have stayed at my old job that paid that but without my student loan debt I have accrued over the years. What exactly was the point of college again?! Grad school will be difficult to get into since so many require the GRE. NP & PA programs are already competitive and than to add on top of that my first two years of college were a complete bomb and my chemistry grades if I pass are not going to be close to an A. So I feel like I have a lot against me.

I am pretty angry at my birthmom too. I never wanted to be pregnant. I did not want that at all but I did what I had to do to make sure Asher was healthy. I went to the doctor like I was supposed to, Took the medicine I needed when I got gestational diabetes. I listened to the doctor when he put me on partial bed rest for pre-eclampsia. I ate healthy, I exercised. I did what I could to make sure he was okay. Yet my married(to my birthdad)22yr old birthmom chose to continue using drugs after she knew she was pregnant with me and not only that but chose to share this information during our first phone call! Ouch, that freakin stings!

I really wanted to call my dad and tell him how upset I was after that meeting. Except, I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him that I was essentially damaged goods and the choice of words the social worker chose to use on my non-id info “healthy, attractive female child” were rather inaccurate along with 90% of the information provided in those three pages. I know my mom wishes I would have come with a return policy or at least a receipt for some kind of refund. I have never been what she wanted or expected. I am me, I was me…nothing I did as a toddler should have been enough to make her not want me the way she did. So telling her this information would just add another fact to the growing list of imperfections that keep her from wanting me in her life.

I am assuming I will never know the truth about my birthmoms drug use while she was pregnant with me. I do have clues that when I piece them all together does tell a tale of whether or not she is telling the truth. I had mild sensory processing disorder. Clothes with tags, the seams in socks, underwear. It all bothered me. Being touched or held as a kid would never happen as I would scream bloody murder like I was in immense pain. I have always had terrible insomnia even as an infant. 4-6hrs sleep a night is great for me! I was also diagnosed with ADHD at age 6 and I was on Ritalin for 6 years. I know you can grow out of ADHD but when I was re-tested at 14yrs old I was told there was no way I had ADHD then or maybe even never. When a child suffers emotional abuse as a child it completely changes their brain because of the high levels of the stress hormone cortisol maps new pathways in the brain and also causing hypervigilance that mimics ADHD in children. It would explain a lot. I don’t know…it would make sense but I just don’t want to believe my birthmom really never wanted me or wants a relationship with me :/

3 responses to “I’ll Never Know

  • V's Mom

    You are a strong woman and I know you will figure this out! Do not let anyone tell you something is impossible!

  • Mirren (@newhall89)

    That dude was a dick. What do they mean, no help?

    When I was doing my prerequisites for nursing school, there were lots of classmates in Chemistry and Math who had extra time on tests or who could take the tests in a separate, quiet room, or use calculators. Whatever their IEP said. No big deal. Same in nursing school! It doesn’t sound like the disability office where you are is helpful at all. Can you do another meeting with someone else? You NEED to complain. This is unacceptable. Unacceptable. Write a letter to the head person. There has to be a way.

    So many years of my life I would float through, passively, while people fucked with me. Then I changed, and things got better.

    You know what? You *don’t* have to take it, don’t have to give up your dream. You have a disability. The university/college needs to accommodate you. End of story. It’s hard, but be the squeaky wheel. You deserve it.

    I am furious about this, on your behalf.

    As for your bmom taking drugs and not loving you: it’s on her, it’s so on her. I know it doesn’t help to hear it. But it’s true. It’s about her not rising to the challenge, not you being good enough. You are. Living with the fallout is difficult, but fight for what you want.

  • Moving in a Miata

    Underneath the surface of all the commotion that goes on in our lives and around us… I know at the core of it all is a greater purpose. And I also know that despite all that has happened and all the circumstances that have changed and altered your life and path… at the core of all of that is YOU. You are unique, difference, and truly gifted and talented. I think a lot of people would kill to have the talent and natural abilities you do – but no one else is quite like you. Which can also make it hard because being so unique, not set path is made for you – but you have always been one to make your own. You go to the beat of your own drum—in the best way possible.

    You are very driven, and have been following after dreams and goals for as long as I can remember. You never take no for an answer, see past the impossible. This life hasn’t turned out to be what we thought it would be, some dreams we didn’t make come true and some maybe we won’t make happen. But we have always said “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.” -Unknown.

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