In spite of you

About a week ago my mother sent me and my two brothers essentially a get out of my life email. Yea, have verbally heard it and have felt it so many times over the years but never seen it written. I am at my dad’s currently and it is so weird to me that she has no idea I am in town. She has not bothered to reach out. Despite her email I have tried for who knows what reason to get ahold of her. Punishing myself? Asking for a shit-storm, yea probably…

In spite of you…

I am a stronger person than you will ever know.

I innately knew even when I was a little kid, before I knew I was adopted, that I was not what you wanted. A used item with no receipt for a return. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that your fairy tale of motherhood was shattered with infertility. I am sorry that you had to resort to plan b. I am sorry I was not the blue-eyed, blonde-haired doll you had dreamed of probably since you were a little girl. Except, here is the thing; this is not my burden to bear. It is yours and yours alone. To place your expectations of your biological ghost child on me was wrong. You were wrong. I can never tell you this to your face because in the end I will agree with you, it actually was me, wasn’t it? I am not strong enough, nor brave enough to ever face you and tell you how it was for me because as our relationship in the past has shown we both live out our own reality. You live in a state of delusion while the rest of your family is just trying to survive the hurricane that just blew through. So, in spite of you…I will be happy. I will live the life I was meant to live. I will not let you manipulate our relationship to your every whim and desire. I will not let you infiltrate your poison into any of my future relationships. I am done trying to please you, to make you proud of me. It is not worth the disappointment and the way my heart shatters into even more pieces than I thought it ever could before. I will not let you make ashes of my heart. Sadly, I thought being rejected by my birthmom was a blow to my heart. Surprisingly, this hurts worse because I was supposed to be wanted, chosen and special because isn’t that what adoption is supposed to be about?! I am special because I was longed for and chosen to live a life supposedly better than the one my birthmother could have given me?! Ah, to have been so naive of me to believe those lies. I deserved better than you. You were supposed to want me, love me unconditionally, to always be there, to be my biggest cheerleader and to be the first person I called when anything exciting or devastating is happening in my life. You were supposed to be my kids’ grandmother but most of all you were supposed to be my mom. Whatever your reasons are now, I don’t want to hear them. I gave you years and years to want to be there. Don’t expect me to be on the other end of the line when you call or when your pleading emails go unopened.

I hope one day you realize what you have missed out on. I don’t want to even think of what you will go through when that day comes but I hope you get it then. I don’t wish you agony, nor death just understanding. I hope you understand when you come to the realization of all that you have missed that it wasn’t for anyone’s lack of trying at this point. You had a wonderful husband who would(and sadly still would)do anything for you. You have three now adult kids who all missed out on you. Three kids who counted on you and you let down. And the worst part is you made me think I wasn’t good enough. You made me believe I was not lovable. You let me sit in my room and cry myself to sleep for years thinking there was something wrong with me! I really am going to have to work very hard at learning to forgive you for that but I could never forget. I missed out on relationships because I thought I was not worth it. I sabotaged relationships so as not to inflict the same example of wrath you displayed. I signed away the rights to my son out of fear that I would become you and he would suffer in my care. I love my son! I would do anything for him so I chose to protect him from me. No one should have to lose the love of their life because of an unrealistic fear that someone who was supposed to love them instilled deep within their soul; shame and unworthiness. No person should ever feel that way! Everyone deserves to have someone love them. No one is unlovable! Shame on you for letting your kids go throughout life feeling that way. I am accepting of my responsibility in life and I can take the blame for many decisions that were made out of shame, lack of self-esteem and utter fear but I hope that even though you will never know the things you took from me, that some of that responsibility is yours to share as well.

There are some positive things I want to say despite it all: I still am here. I survived with crocodile thick skin(too bad not a bite that matches). I still look forward to everyday, smiling. I have friends who actually like me. I have an amazing son who will never know what it is like to feel unloved. I have a dog who thinks I create all the happiness in her life and no matter what she thinks I am the coolest person alive. And the best thing is…because of you I am stronger. Without the roadblocks placed in my life, I would not be the person I am today. I wouldn’t aspire to want more than the comfortable life I might have led. Even better yet…none of my kids will ever experience a childhood like mine. My kids will know I love them more than anything. There will be endless days of laughing, hugs, scaring away monsters, drying tears, kissing boo-boos, blanket fort building, make-believe and doing the absolute best I can to be the mother I wish I could have had. I owe it to you though, cause who knows…maybe I could have been you at some point in time.

I can’t waste my anger, my sadness and my life on this dead-end relationship any longer. I may not believe it now but somehow I have to trust and believe I am worth more than this. I honestly think I would have made you proud in another life. I have no more years or tears for you left in me to give. So with that; I am officially a wayward soul, an unlost wanderer and a bit rough around the edges just to add some more spice to my already zesty life and I guess a truly motherless daughter.

4 responses to “In spite of you

  • Roni

    I know from experience how hard it is to have to cut your mother out of your life..but to have to cut out an adoptive Mom must be so much more painful! You are a strong a very wise young woman and I am proud of the stand you are taking for yourself! It will make you a stronger and ultimately happier person!!

  • Addison Cooper

    I’m so sorry to hear that your mother sent you that email. One of my good friends got similar letters from her mother, and I think it took her years to reach the point of healing where you already are. Praying for you.

  • Mirren

    I love you so much. Your mother’s mental illness is not a reflection of you, although of course it has an impact on you, and has for years. It is hurtful, beyond hurtful, when those who love us most are too damaged even to be rooted themselves. You are doing such a wonderful job of finding your own groundedness and seeing what you need to take care of *you*. While this is an honorable goal for any of us, it shouldn’t have to come at the cost of not having a mother. Damn, this shit is hard. (((Lisa)))

    • Elle Frost

      Thank you. I am sorry it took me so long to reply to you and maybe you will never see this but that is okay. I appreciate you and your words very much. Thank you for the encouragement. This might sound silly but I also thank you for sticking by me the last couple years. I know we rarely talk anymore since your got rid of Facebook and I am no longer on AAAFC but it means a lot <3

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