Loss of Control.

All of my life I have felt like it was controlled by somebody else. I am trying to learn how to take back control. To be the one holding the reins. Growing up in a home controlled by a very abusive mother and a co-dependent father it was just absolute chaos. There was constant yelling and fighting, I could never get away. I grew up in the middle of nowhere. 30mins to the nearest gas station, store, anything like that. I had no neighbors. It wasn’t like I could walk to a neighbors house to play or go to the park just to get away. Me and my brothers were stuck. I had no way to assert myself because anytime I did I was in some way minimized. When I tried to tell my dad that mom had really hurt my feelings the reply was always “she is fragile, she probably doesn’t mean it, we just have to be gentle with her”. I always wondered why we had to be gentle with her but when it came to everyone else it was a free-for-all. Maybe I was fragile. Maybe I needed someone to be gentle with me. My dad was her punching bag, us kids got it too and we were all fair game to be verbally assaulted with whatever verbal warfare she chose to spew on that particular day. She got mad that my dad would drive me to a friends house. She tried to turn my dad against me or vice versa. My room was in-between hers and my dads. So no matter where they were arguing I could hear everything. My mom told me once that I was a better wife than she was, that I should just marry my dad because I was better at it. Those are the kinds of the things she would say to get me to feel uncomfortable around my dad or whatever. So I just isolated. I felt there was no one in that house who was safe anymore. I had no control.

The OCD-ish type behaviors started when I was really young. I could not sleep if my room was messy or things were out of order. I am still that way. One way to control my environment. I don’t think I ever had to be told to clean my room growing up. The weird eating habits. My mom would keep all non-perishables locked up. So unless it was going to go bad it was in her room. So our food outside of her was very very limited. Milk, cheese, sour cream, vegetables, fruit; that was what we had if we were hungry. So that was also very early on that I started to control my food intake. In fact all three of us kids have issues with food. My youngest brother is a hoarder; he saves food like crazy and will eat it sparingly over a period of time. Middle brother is a binge eater; the guy can eat 5000 calories in one sitting, twice a day and then not eat for a long period of time. I chose restricting at first and then it turned into binging and purging and it has always varied between one or the other for the last 15yrs or so.

As I got older and became aware of the fact I had no control I just went out of control. I was 14 when I found out I was adopted, another thing I had no control over and it just sent me spiraling into a tailspin of self destructive behaviors. Promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, spending money I didn’t have, ect…

When I went to college the first time I realized I could take back some control of my life. It was a good feeling. I stopped using and was overall doing really well. Then I was raped. Once again the complete and utter lack of control stopped me in my tracks. I feel stuck there still. Your parent controlling you in an abusive manipulative way is one thing but to be completely overtaken by a stranger for their gain is just, there are no words. Then to get pregnant for that; once again no words to describe how it felt to feel trapped in this body, mind and place that I wanted nothing to do with.

I don’t know where I am going with this. I am just trying to sort this all out in my head…this lack or maybe it is only a perceived lack of control. I am not sure. I know I am taking steps to becoming in control and I know I am in control of things in my life now but now that I have the control it is foreign in my hands. I don’t know what to do with it. It freaks me out completely. It makes me want to run in another irresponsible direction. That won’t be happening but it is terrifying to finally have some control of my life and I literally am too afraid to do anything with it. I feel like a car out of control on black ice, finally hit a dry patch gets some control, straightens out and then hits another patch of ice only to start spinning again with no control.

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