It's all w(rite) here

…and a month has gone by.

(w)rite here — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:26:47 +0000

Whoops. Kinda didn’t realize a whole month has gone by since I last updated. I am glad I didn’t post on moving a month ago because it isn’t happening now. I will be moving but not as soon as I hoped and when I know much firmer plans I will update then.

E texted me a lot in December which is very unlike her but definitely welcomed. I got two videos(on Facebook for those who are friends there)and plenty of pictures. We even set a date for the first visit. January 18th! Oh whoops thats tomorrow and who is having a freak snow storm?! Oh that’s right…me. Just my luck huh?! So E and I both decided it would be better to wait it out and we will try again on the 30th. I will just be going for the day. I will most likely just be me E and Asher. Although D might be there or he might be on a business trip, not sure yet. Either way I am so beyond excited I cannot even put it into words.

I am working full time and going to school full time. Doesn’t really leave me any time for much of anything anymore. I am hoping to take the month of March off of work to have ankle/foot surgery I have put off for two years now. It was scheduled and then I got pregnant and so now it just really needs to be done. Since I started working my foot goes numb for the majority of the time and I sometimes feel like the only thing holding it to my leg is bone and skin. Sometimes I feel like there are no tendons, ligaments and muscles and I will lose the ability to put weight on it and the pain increases daily. In the mornings when I get out of bed I can barely walk because it is so painful and after work the swelling is so bad and causes bruising. Ready for this to be over with! I had all my MRI’s and labs re-done since they were originally done two years ago. The tendon has definitely torn more and is just going to keep tearing like a piece of paper unless it is fixed. The surgery is called a Brostrom procedure, pretty much exactly what they do for carpal tunnel in the wrist but for the foot. The doctor wants to talk with me about another procedure where the go through the top of the foot and reconnect the tendons and ligaments that way but that sounds like a hell of a recovery when I am already looking at three weeks no weight bearing. I need to make my final appointment with the doctor to talk all of this over and make the final decision but….I just want it over with either way.

I guess my moving plans have a lot to do with my school plans and where I go with that. So I am still all up in the air about where I am going to school and all that as of right now. I am seriously living one freaking day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and at times minute by minute.

So that’s it…I will post pictures and videos soon!!!

It’s my fault.

(w)rite here — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 07:22:37 +0000

I am in the process of making some drastic life changes(moving and very SOON!!)and of course when making these decisions geez it gets uncomfortable. I guess realizing and coming to terms with the fact I messed up in the past really freaking sucks. School for instance, when I wasn’t pregnant I spent the majority of my time drinking. Not partying, drinking alone in my house. That and feeling so lousy about myself self esteem wise I would have a hard time making it to classes on occasion. The whole self esteem thing, there are days where I do not even want to leave my house because I just do not want to be looked at by anyone whether they are actually looking at me or not for some reason or another I cannot handle it. I honestly believe it is anxiety more than anything. I am taking responsibility for it though and saying it is my fault for being a shit student. Now as far as school goes…I have too many credits to go to a community college and my GPA is so bad I don’t even want to apply to a 4yr school and have them wonder why in the hell do I think I could possibly do better at their school then at the previous school where I failed miserably. I feel stuck. I honestly don’t really know what to do. I have all the general education classes(all passing grades, its mostly the electives that are shitty grades)…so now I just need to finish the last two years. I am feeling pretty lousy these days about the whole thing. Sometimes I regret going to school at all, but it was the best thing I ever did. Catch-22.

Along with my huge pile of debt, I seriously feel like I am sinking. Once again, my fault. I chose to use my credit card I had no business using because I was out of work. Not only did I use it but I used it pretty much only for alcohol. Nice job, way to go me. Someone please kick me in the ass. Medical debt too, coming out of everywhere. An ultrasound that wasn’t paid for by the agency(seriously?!)is in collections, they probably call me 3-4 times a day. Doctors fees from when I had my gallbladder out last year…they call me at least 3 times a day. I just got this job and within two days of getting paid all of my money has gone towards bills, so I know I am making steps in the right direction. Feels like it is not enough though.

I am not running from anything with this move(which I will say more when the plan is 110% firm, right now it is probably 95% a go). I have no expectations. Although I do plan on living in my car until I get a job there. I do not care I just honestly have to get away from here if I want to keep going on a ‘good’ path.

So not the Christmas spirit around here. My dad is super depressed and mopes around for the majority of the day. Brother1 just got a job and he is bitter he has to work at all, oh please. Brother2 is still choosing to be homeless, yes choosing…he can come home any day. My mom is in Hawaii until January and then is moving to a friends house as per-usual. She only contacts me by e-mail to get any gossip in the family and I just don’t reply anymore. We all kind of agreed, no Christmas this year which honestly is a blessing. For the last 10years Christmas has been a progressively horrible holiday in my family and the last three have been spent with just my brothers and dad exchanging very small gifts. This year I am working, brother2 will be on the streets, brother1 could care less and dad is going to the casino. So weird.

Uh, what?

(w)rite here — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 08:58:49 +0000

“All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life: there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Shapshots don’t show the million decisions that led to that moment.”
- R. Baach

I have been reading a bunch of different articles, blogs and forums about how others view a woman thinking or have placed their baby. What the thought process is, what steps do you take first before exhausting the final decision and so on. When I read these I feel sick to my stomach most of the time. Things like “just because you can have a child doesn’t mean you can or should parent that child, did you really exhaust every option before choosing adoption?, you just didn’t try hard enough to make it work.” Things like that…

Honestly…setting aside the way Asher was conceived…fine maybe I didn’t try hard enough to parent but until you walk in my shoes and know what is like to be pregnant in the way I became pregnant, do not tell me I did not try hard enough to do everything I could for him. My body hated being pregnant and I did my best for him in that way. And I don’t think I would have been a good mom to him. I feel like there would have been a lot of resentment(not hatred), I would have wondered all the what-ifs…I just never wanted kids and then to wham be pregnant, yea damn right I was not having any of it. To be perfectly honest, yea…I did not do everything in my power to parent him. I didn’t exhaust every single option. I dabbled around but my heart was never in it to go for the long haul. Do I regret that? Sure, but at the same time I still hold onto the belief that I would have been a shit mom to him and he deserved better than me. When I was pregnant and the thought of parenting came to mind all I could think about was my mom and how she parented(or the lack thereof)me and shit it scared me. I would never want my kid to be raised like I was and sure I probably wouldn’t have been the same at all but it still to this day scares the shit out of me to think even for a minute that I could be any way like my mom(or moms). So yea, in a way I placed Asher because I was terrified of being a horrible parent, of failing him, of doing too many wrongs and not enough rights…I look at both of my mothers(adoptive & birth)and I wonder which was the lesser of two evils, heck I don’t know. Wish I wouldn’t have been raised by one and raised by the other, yea I couldn’t answer that question.

Just to throw it out there…I have no intentions at this time to have any more kids. I really don’t. Marriage is still in the maybe pile. I just can’t see myself doing any of that stuff. I am petrified with fear of being like either of my mothers.

Yea, I don’t know what I felt compelled to write this but I every time I read something negative about a birthmom who didn’t do everything in her power to keep her and her child together it pisses me off. They can’t make a generalized statement for every single birthmom and just say if you didn’t try you obviously didn’t want your child. All I gotta say is walk in my shoes for that nine months I was pregnant and the past 14 months and then we can talk.

So about a month ago I told the majority of my friends on Facebook about Asher. I did make it private from family and family friends and for some of those people who are only on your Facebook to stalk you but I am lame and don’t want to delete them and hurt their feelings(because honestly they will just keep trying to re-add me anyway). I had been thinking about doing it for a long time and finally was just like, screw it…I am doing it. Felt good. I honestly wasn’t too worried about what would happen after I posted it, what does it really matter anyway…sure would be an easy way to weed people out of my life if they were really gonna be rude about it. Actually though the response was definitely better than I thought. To be honest I figured people just wouldn’t say anything. All in all, I am glad I did it.

(w)rite here — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 11:53:05 +0000

I haven’t actually sat down and watched movies in awhile. My body is so sore and my mind so tired that I just have done nothing all day yesterday except watch movies. Brilliant. I am a sucker for indie dramas especially the super depressing ones. I don’t know why but I love them. Any movie about the real nitty gritty parts of life, the beautiful highs and the sunken lows. So I happened to get two amazing movies in a row. Seriously, that never happens. Way random for my blog but mini movie reviews!

“Beautiful Boy” – Um, amazing. Sobbing through this movie would be a completely acceptable reaction. It is about a marriage falling apart between two people whose only child, a son, is away at his freshman year of college. Their son, Sam, ends up killing 20+ people at his campus including himself in the very beginning of the movie. The movie is brilliant, everything about it. Maria Bello is definitely one of my favorite actress’ and this movie proves why. There is a scene where the husband and wife go to a restaurant shortly after this whole thing happens and he gets up from the table to grab menus. While gone, the wife completely loses it for the first time and wow…kinda sealed the deal for that I loved this movie and I really can’t explain why.

“Sarah’s Key” – Why do we learn nothing about this in history classes?! I mean seriously! Can’t really say much about this movie without giving it away but if you like movies about history or movies pertaining to the Holocaust…AMAZING. This is like a grown up version of “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”. Seriously…watch it.

Oh and for other history fan film watchers, see “The Conspirator” and “Defiance”!!!!! Seriously amazing movies!!

So if you would like to know my favorite movies: Into the Wild, The Reader, Splendor in the Grass, Biutiful, Mother and Child, Candy, Girl Interrupted, The Piano, Moll Flanders, East of Eden(1981 mini-series version), Blow, The Help…way more but I can’t even remember. I suppose the TV shows I watch are a bit lighter; Parenthood, Prime Suspect, Law & Order: SVU, Desperate Housewives, Private Practice, Grey’s Anatomy, Body of Proof, Last Man Standing, Bones, In Plain Sight, Weeds, Californication and Saving Grace. That’s a lot. Haha, I rarely ever watch them weekly…mostly when I am doing homework or super bored and get them on Netflix or Hulu.

Oh and if you read this blog and happen to love movies in these genre’s I would love to hear movie suggestions!!

Blogosphere.

(w)rite here — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:21:51 +0000

Quite a few of the blogs I read frequently discuss the bad adoption story lines that seem to be ALL over TV and movies these days. I honestly watch so few of these shows and the ones I do watch I could honestly care less about that I don’t really invest much emotional thought into. Lately Glee has been the topic and yea I will admit I only started watching this show because of the adoption story line and then promptly dropped it after two episodes because it is such a boring show in general.

A blog I read The Chronicles of Munchkin Land wrote a post on Glee and how Quinn deals with it. Um, wow…

”Yes, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s a freaking mess. You don’t relinquish your child without some kind of freaking mess. The best of us are able to talk it out with unbiased counselors who have experience with birth parent grief and loss. The worst of us… they don’t make it. The ones in between, the majority of us, try to find ways to piece it all together, to make it work, to enjoy the good, to grieve the bad, to make some sense of the hurt, the pain and the fear. Some of us hide the freaking mess better than others. Sometimes even those who are masters of disguise fall apart in public sometimes when we’re poked or prodded or put on display as some kind of role model — for the good or the bad. And I can assure you that not one of us wants to be a freaking mess. I don’t enjoy the hole in my heart. I don’t like how, as her birthday draws near, my first instinct is to hole up within myself, curl into a ball and hold very still until it all passes. I don’t wish this pain, this hurt, this emptiness on even my worst of enemies. I understand those who lash out in anger. I understand those who put on the happy face. I understand those who turn to alcohol or drugs. I understand those who put on the ambivalent face of disinterest. I’ve done it all — save for drugs and alcohol (and probably only the latter because my kidney disorder makes me a rather cheap date). I understand that all of that comes back to the hurt, the ache and wanting someone, anyone — just one damn person — to understand how it feels. To ask you if you’re okay. To sit in silence with you as you stare at her picture on her birthday.

That hit me so hard that it is still resonating with me after having read it when she first posted it.

Worn out.

(w)rite here — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 08:26:46 +0000

Work is kicking my butt. Like it though I guess.

My blood pressure has never gone down since having Asher. Ugh, so lately that has really been taking its toll. About a month ago I went on a hike and got about two miles in and had to sit down because I was so dizzy and my heart was beating out of my chest. I have been taking my blood pressure and heart rate in the mornings…ugh, average resting heart of 112 in the mornings while I am still pretty much in bed. My bp has been about 160/85-90…sometimes higher.

I just don’t feel good when I work out because I end up feeling so sick which is frustrating because I guarantee you my doctor will say I have high bp only in her office because I have “white coat syndrome” or I am fat and need to lose weight to lower my bp. Kinda hard to work out when I feel like passing out but whatever. That is why I am keeping track of this until I go to the doctor so she realizes this is a long-ish term issue.

2011 Open Adoption Interview Project, Interview Day!

(w)rite here — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 04:29:56 +0000

So I decided to participate in Production, Not Reproduction’s adoption interview project. I was partnered with, Amy. Her blog “Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt” is very insightful to the challenges and joys a family goes through while they are waiting to adopt. Plus she is an amazing writer and her husband guest blogs occasionally. I was very grateful to have an insightful interview partner who came up with some great interview questions. So here is my interview with her.

Amy interviewed me and you can find that on her blog here: http://www.jimandamyhopingtoadopt.blogspot.com/

1. What made you decide to start blogging?

I have always enjoyed writing and used to keep a journal. I wasn’t super consistent in writing in it regularly, but it was still a way for me to express my feelings and emotions. During my pregnancy, I wrote letters in a journal to our unborn baby. After our miscarriage, I just couldn’t go back to it. It brought back too many painful memories. In time, my desire and need to write returned, but I still was having a hard time picking up a journal. My friend Cindy suggested blogging. At first I considered keeping the blog private, but ultimately decided to go “public.” I am so glad that I did!

Today, I write for three reasons. First, I still write for me. My blog is an expression of the emotions, struggles, joys, sorrows, and lessons that I am facing in our adoption journey. I am still amazed at how many posts end up being mini-devotionals that restore my hope and faith. Second, I write for all of our friends and family. I write about our experience with open adoption and try to keep everyone updated with our progress. Finally, I write for potential birthmothers. Our “Dear Birthmother” letter and website give a lot of information about us, but hopefully my blog conveys our heart and our desire to become parents in a real and tangible way.

2. On your blog on your “about us” page you mentioned you and your husband, Jim, like to sing together. What are some of the songs you sing together? Do you and your husband have a specific song(s) that you may or may not sing that hold a special meaning or memory?

Jim and I met through music and it has remained an important part of our life together. We sing together at church, in the car on road trips, and occasionally at a wedding or other gathering. Jim would say that I have too many special/favorite songs to list them all, so I will highlight just a few that come to mind. The first song we sang together was “More Than Wonderful” by Larnelle Harris and Sandy Patti. This was our “go to” song to sing as a special for many years. At our wedding we sang “Household of Faith” to each other. That was really special and even now makes me smile. A song that became special during the time after our miscarriage was “Praise You in this Storm,” by Casting Crowns. The lyrics are beautiful and healing, but we have not ever sung this song in public. One that we would like played some day at our baby’s dedication is “There Can Be Miracles” from the Prince of Egypt soundtrack. It would also be nice to sing a duet with Jim; I’m just not sure if the tears of joy will allow us to sing.

3. What made you choose adoption as a way to start your family?

Jim and I talked about adoption early in our marriage. We had the desire to adopt, but always thought it would be in addition to having children biologically. When we found out we had fertility issues, we decided to only pursue treatment that was covered by our insurance (We wanted to put our money toward adoption). We then waited for a door to open for us to begin the adoption process. Both of us have extended family members who have been adopted. We also know friends who have adopted. We both love kids and want to be parents. Adoption is a beautiful way for us to add to our family.

4. What if adoption doesn’t end up working out (for any number of reasons). What would that look like for you and your husband?

We both really believe that adoption will happen for us, and we can’t let go of that belief. Not that there is anything missing in our relationship…Jim and I have been married for sixteen years. We share a closeness and friendship that is fulfilling and wonderful. Neither of us would give up our relationship with each other for anything! But we both feel we are meant to be parents and there is a part of me that doesn’t allow me to picture the future without kids. I guess the best answer I can give is that until we are parents, we will keep doing what we are doing now…loving each other, living life, and spoiling the kids that are in our life (nieces, nephews, and friends).

5. What do you see your future relationship looking like with your future child’s birthfamily? What kind of adoption are you hoping to have? Is open adoption appealing only because it is the thing to do now? Or is it something that you really feel is the best? How do you think a perfect open adoption should look?

Like many prospective adoptive families, we began our journey knowing little about the adoption process. When we first began researching options, we thought we would be comfortable with a semi-open adoption (exchange of letters and photos through a third party). The thought of direct contact seemed a bit too scary. Our fear of more openness was based on a lack of knowledge. The more we read about adoption, the more we began to realize the importance of openness and the benefits it had for everyone involved, especially the child. Gradually our feelings shifted from accepting openness to embracing it. We can genuinely say that open adoption is what we now choose and desire.

There is no perfect open adoption, just as there is no perfect relationship. Good relationships take hard work, commitment, mutual respect and communication. We would like to have a close relationship with our child’s birthfamily…a relationship that includes not only the exchange of letters and pictures, but where everyone is truly invested in each other. We hope for our relationship to grow and deepen as the years go on. Our child’s birthfamily will be a part of our family…a family that like all families is not perfect, but a family that loves each other.

6. What has been the hardest part of choosing adoption as the way to start your family?

I think the hardest part for me is the loss of “control.” So much of the adoption process is beyond our control. Yes, we chose to pursue adoption. We chose our agency. We created our letter and website. After that, it’s out of our hands…and we can only wait. We don’t have any control over when or how it will happen. We don’t know if we will be parents today or two years from now. Sometimes it’s a scary place to be; especially for someone like me who likes to have everything planned out ahead of time.

7. I really liked your post “I Want One”(posted on 4/4/11)…what are some things that you look forward too and scared of in parenting an adopted child?

Ok, for this question I am going to cheat a little and copy the list from our above mentioned post. Jim and I sat around one day and came up with this list together.

Things we are looking forward to about parenting…

*Not being able to sleep because we are mesmerized just watching our baby sleep

*”Arguing” over who gets to hold the baby

*Celebrating all of baby’s first- first smile, first giggle, first words, first steps

*Playing rock/paper/scissors to decide whose turn it is for late night feedings or diaper duty

*Watching each other make fools of ourselves with funny faces and baby talk

*Rocking our baby to sleep while singing lullabies

*Crawling around the floor to play

*Taking walks and playing in the park across the street

*Dancing around the house and singing

*Pulling out all the plastic bowls and wooden spoons to play along to the music

*Exploring nature and seeing the wonder and amazement in our child’s eyes

*Building a “fort” in the living room with the kitchen chairs and all the blankets in the house

*Climbing in the above mentioned fort to read stories by flashlight

*Toys all over the house

*Little fingerprints and nose prints on the walls and windows

*Cookie crumbs under the car seat

*Getting together for play dates with our friends’ kids

*Taking trips to grandma’s and grandpa’s house in Arizona

*Visiting aunts, uncles, and cousins in Michigan, Illinois and Texas

*Enjoying hot chocolate after an afternoon of sledding and snow angels

*Splashing in muddle puddles

*Building sand castles at the beach

*Making a huge pile of leaves to jump in

*Having a hug and band aid ready for scraped knees and other assorted boo-boos

*Baking cookies

*Hanging hand-drawn pictures on the fridge

*Going to church together

*Visiting some of our favorite places- Lake Tahoe, Burney Falls, and Sequoia National Park

*Teaching our child how to pet the kitty

*Laughing at corny knock-knock jokes

*Bedtime stories and cuddles before bed

Our list could go on and on, but you get the idea:) We have waited a long time to become parents and will cherish each moment!

Things we are scared of? I think we fear the things most parents fear- What if our child gets sick? What if our child is involved in an accident? Will we make the right choices for the future…where to live and where to send them to school? Will we make the right parenting decisions…when to set limits and when to say yes? What if we fail our children in any way?

8. What has been the hardest part of adoption (besides the waiting)?

Waiting is by far the most difficult part of adoption, but feelings of rejection is also something I have struggled with. Especially with a longer than usual wait, it’s easy to start questioning everything. Why aren’t we getting more contacts? Our letter and website must not be good enough. Why didn’t we get a second call? We must have said the wrong thing. Why haven’t we been chosen yet? We must be too old, too religious, not rich enough, not pretty enough, or maybe we are just not worthy. Of course none of this is true, but the thoughts can really creep in if you let them. One of the best pieces of advice I have received is that we do not need to connect with every birthmother; we only need to connect with one-the one! The best way to do that is by continuing to be ourselves and not fall into the trap of trying to fit into a mold that is not us.

9. So far as prospective adoptive parents do you and your husband have advice for other families in the waiting process?

1.) Live life! It can be tempting to sit by the phone and wait for “the call.” But it’s important to not put everything on hold. Make plans for the future. Take a vacation. Enjoy being together, just the two of you.

2.) Reach out to your support system. For us that is our faith, our family and our friends. Adoption is not an easy journey and you will need someone to talk to that will listen and encourage.

3.) Set reasonable limits. You need to be honest about your finances, your emotional resources, and your family climate. You need to be willing to say no to situations that are not right for you, so that you can say yes to the right one.

4.) Do your homework! There are so many resources to educate yourself. Read. Search the internet. Don’t rush through the process. Take the time to be intentional in your decisions.

5.) The last one is from Jim…Buckle up! Adoption is a rollercoaster of emotions and circumstances. Although no two experiences are alike, the resounding theme we hear the most is that when the baby arrives, it makes the journey worth it.

10. Where do you and your husband hope to be in 10 years? How do you envision your life? What changes are you looking forward to with the addition of a child?

Ten years from now, we hope to have several kids running around in a big house out in the country. We would love to have enough land to have a garden, pets, a tree house and plenty of room to grow and play! We envision climbing trees, riding bikes, and beach trips in the summer. We look forward to sledding, snowball fights, and hot chocolate in the winter. We want a family friendly house where sticky messes in the kitchen and impromptu forts in the living room are common place. We envision lots of noise, laughter, fun and chaotic creativity.

One of the biggest changes we are looking forward to is being able to experience life through the eyes of our children. This summer our niece Cali and nephew Javan came to visit us for a week. We took them to Yosemite National Park, San Fransisco and a few of our favorite local state parks. Jim and I had been to all of those places before, but it was a totally new experience with Cali and Javan. Kids don’t just live life…they soak it up like little sponges. They didn’t casually stroll along Golden Gate Park…they ran up and down the hills with pure joy. They made us smile, giggle, and laugh until we were ready to roll on the floor. We still miss the noises they made in the back seat…especially Javan singing himself to sleep with “twinkle, twinkle little star.” I think that’s the part of parenthood we crave the most and look forward to the most, just spending time together as a family.

11. From your perspective what are things that need to change in adoption?

Two things come to mind- finances and formality. Adoption is expensive! Many agencies (like ours) try to help families find ways to afford adoption. There are grants and a tax credit that helps to recoup some of the costs. But still, adoption is out of reach for many families because they cannot afford it. I don’t know what the answer is, but money should not be a deciding factor in who chooses to adopt.

I also think the adoption process tends too much toward formality. I understand the reasoning for all the paperwork and legalities; they are a “necessary evil.” But relationships really can’t be put on paper! Again, I don’t have any solutions to offer- I just wish there was a way to simplify the process.

12. What are five things that you want others to know about you as a prospective and hopefully one day an adoptive parent?

This is a hard question! It’s hard to sum up our life, our dreams, and our hopes in five short sentences. So here are five things we value. This is not a complete list- but definitely priorities in our life.

1.) Our faith in God- Our relationship with God drives our lives; it affects all our relationships and impacts every decision we make.

2.) Fun- Quality time together is important to us.

3.) Our relationships with friends and family- We can’t imagine life without themJ

4.) Arts. We both love music, hobbies and crafts. Jim loves to draw and paint. I love taking pictures, sewing and writing.

5.) Pets. We love our cat, Deuteronomy and want our children to grow up with pets.

I very much enjoyed participating in this and am looking forward to next year! Check out Amy and Jim’s blog! Thank you to Heather at “Production, Not Reproduction” for facilitating this.

Not sure of anything.

(w)rite here — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:25:59 +0000

I just read all of my blog posts from 2010. As I read them it was like I could remember exactly where I was and what it felt like at that exact moment. I could feel all those emotions coming back. I can easily picture sitting in my dorm room with a positive pregnancy test and having no emotion whatsoever. I remember the 20wk ultrasound and how I refused to look at the monitor or the pictures, I was too scared. I remember the confusion and shame but with a determination to get through it because I had nothing else. I remember the feeling of losing control of the last thing I had, my diet when I found out I had gestational diabetes. I remember being so excited the weeks leading up to the c-section only to be hit with a ton of bricks a few weeks after that I wished for nothing more than to go back to before he was born. I remember the moment I learned what love was when I got to hold Asher for the first time and minutes later turning back into a state of numbness when the helicopter took off for the NICU. I clearly remember the moment I put him in E’s arms and how okay I felt with it at the time. I vividly remember the pain in my mouth, cheeks and throat as I walked out of the NICU and said goodbye to Asher trying and succeeding at holding it all in turning around, walking through the butterfly hallway and making the 2hr drive home blaring Mumford & Sons. Now I hold my breathe every time my phone goes off hoping it is an e-mail or text with an update…it never is and as the months go by with no response from the afamily, whatever small piece of hope I ever felt flies out the window.

I really thought I was doing the right thing by going through with the adoption. All I had to give him was me and me in my mind wasn’t good enough. I was so afraid I would be a mother to him like mine was to me and that scared me so bad I could barely ever think of parenting.

Now I sit here and wonder what am I going to do with the rest of my life. Parts of me enjoy my time alone reminiscing on all the days I took for granted being pregnant and the very very short lived time at the hospital. I would do it over again in a heartbeat even if the outcome was the same. I wouldn’t even hesitate. I am still moving to Arizona and I am still going to finish my degree but it just doesn’t seem good enough. I feel like I have to prove something and I don’t know what. I am going to do something good with my life. I just don’t know what, yet. I will figure it out in time. I just really thought I was doing the right thing and now I am not so sure…

Dreams

(w)rite here — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:40:59 +0000

I never used to dream when I slept. In the past few months I feel like I have been dreaming everytime I sleep. It is generally one of three dreams but the dream that plays itself over and over leaves me feeling so heavy and disgusting every morning when I wake up. I am laying in a hospital bed, the same room I was in when I had Asher. I am laying on my right side staring out the window, almost curled into the fetal position. On the other side of the room is a man I assume to be my husband holding a baby. People come in and out of the room and I don’t move, don’t react. As I lay there I get this heavy pressing down feeling on my entire body that makes me feel like even if I wanted to react to the situation I couldn’t. It feels like this dream lingers on for the hospital stay because when they go to release me I walk like a zombie down the hall to the car, open the door, sit down and resume staring out the window. No one in the dream ever really talks to me but everyone else is talking. I feel like I am there but not. The dream continues till I get home and I go to bed and once again resume staring out the window. My husband and baby go about their life and I can’t take an interest. When I wake up all the emotions I felt in the dream stay with me and it is really truly physically and emotionally painful. It lasts for a little while after I wake up but by the time I get to work it is generally gone. The hospital I work in has this arboretum type walk way with a bunch of windows and when I walk through it a little part of me wants to curl into one of the oversized armchairs and continue in the dream where I left off, staring out the window. I just feel so heavy and not in a “I am fat way”, this feels so much more internal.

Things are going ok. I got a job in a hospital, as I mentioned above. I love working in that environment. I am saving every penny so in January I can buy a car and the rest of the money is going towards moving expenses. July couldn’t come fast enough.

Plans.

(w)rite here — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 09:47:05 +0000

I am moving. This has been on my mind for awhile and I was looking at a lot of different options. Since leaving school it has always been the plan for me to go back. Soooooo I am moving this Spring to Arizona to go to Arizona State U. It has taken me a long time to make this final decision. I have always been so rash and hasty in many previous decisions that involve moving that I figured looking at many options would be my best bet. Well I have done that and made my decision. I have been accepted to two different schools as of right now and there are two more I had thought I would be applying to but have decided not to since I feel really good about this decision. So I will be starting my junior year next Fall. Bout time. I am not pursuing nursing at this point, which is okay with me. I will do it, but I know for me right now I need to know I can finish my degree and with nursing I don’t see an end in sight. I am going to get my degree in Social Work and a minor in public policy. With a social work degree I can go to an advanced standing grad program for one year to get my masters which is definitely something I want to do. Also, a big factor in my decision to attend ASU is that I will be signing a contract to work with Arizona State CPS for two years after graduation and in return they pay off my student loans. So a guaranteed job upon graduation and no debt. Sounds good to me.

I was originally planning on attending a school that is really close to me to also stay close to Asher but with the way things are working out with the whole thing I just think I need to do what I need to do despite him. I may not be able to afford visits while in school(although I do plan on working, so who knows)but once I am out of school and working that won’t be such a big deal. Currently I live 5hrs from him and never see him so whats a few more states. I think it will be really good actually.

So I have something to look forward too, finally. Now I am just focused on buying a car, saving money and finishing the last two online classes I need.