For the past week or so there has been a heaviness in my heart I can’t explain. Since I was a little girl, long before I knew I was adopted, I had this connection with someone that I didn’t even know existed for the first 14yrs of my life. I felt it and when I first saw my non-id info at 14 I finally had an answer to the misplaced connection I had felt but could never explain. It is still hard to explain. I have this connection, this bond and this overwhelming sense of love for this women who to this day I barely know. Lately, something feels off. I feel like something for her is not going okay. It could be her health is failing(she has hep C that she medically has never taken care of in the past 10+yrs), it could be she is just hurting and feeling alone with whatever burden she is carrying or she could be just fine. Whatever the reason behind my feelings she has been on my mind a great deal lately. I am not sure of where I stand currently with God but whenever she pops into my mind at any given moment of my day I say a quick prayer for her.
Selfishly, I don’t want her to die. I am terrified that I will google her name someday and an obituary pops up. I would be devastated. Selfishly, I want my time with her. I want to get to know her. I want her to be apart of my life. I don’t want her to leave this world with unanswered questions and a doubt that her daughters love her and forgive her. I know she struggles immensely with guilt and shame in regards to placing me and giving custody of my younger sister to her dad. It is painfully evident from the first moment we talked on the phone over 4 years ago. She is broken and I wish there was someway for me to tell her that we can start fresh from right here. I want to chance to tell her that she is enough just the way she is. She doesn’t need to be perfect for me to love her. She doesn’t need to be perfect for me to want her in my life. This is so selfish of me to want these things from her. I wonder if I will ever get the opportunity to spend time with her when she is sober. Will the day ever come that she calls me just to talk? Will she ever let go of her demons and let her daughters love her?
If she knew I was graduating in June would she even care? She knows about Asher but does she ever wish she could see pictures? Does she ever dream about having her three kids all-together at once? Does she think of us? Does she wonder what she could have done differently? If she was offered the chance to get sober would she take it?
I just hope that wherever she is she knows she is loved.