My lack of writing has been motivated by my lack of really anything to say. A lot has happened but it just is and I can’t do anything about most of what has been transpiring. I have a lot going on. School this quarter has proved to be just draining. Not academically, just this is what happens. I self sabotage when I do well in school. I did really well last quarter and it was the first time I had ever gotten good grades in all of my classes. I felt good but at the same time I know I did not work as hard as I could have.

My grandma was in a serious car accident the day before Thanksgiving and I just so happened to be where she was being airlifted to and was able to spend the majority of Thanksgiving with her and other family members. Including my mom who had blown me off time and time again over the course of 2012. This was no different. Every word or action that came out of her mouth was like I had no right to be concerned about the well being of my grandma. When I left to return to school I didn’t think I would ever see my grandma alive again. It was bad and to see her like that, sedated and in pain but unable to speak, move, do anything was terrifying. Her voice played through my head with everything she would be saying about the situation “oh for pete’s sake, don’t worry about me, I’m fine”. She did email me a week or so before the accident to tell me she wishes we could have Thanksgiving like we used to when I was little, all the family together. Well I consoled myself with the thought that grandma pretty much got her wish. Most of the family was there. After I left my mom would not answer my calls or emails to get status updates on my grandma. So I was getting updates from my cousin. Then my mom spewed out some BS about HIPAA laws which was completely inaccurate but to someone who is unaware of all of that I can see why my cousin stopped updating me. I just could not wrap my head around the fact that my mom would not share any updates about grandma. How selfish! Long story short my 91yr old grandma is walking, 5months ahead of schedule and is able to return home whenever she feels she is ready. This was not the outcome that was projected when I left at Thanksgiving. Social workers were coming in with bereavement information and doctors were saying she just needs to be stable enough to get through this surgery, than the next and than even more. I got to go see her the day after her 91st birthday and it was so good to see her and she was surprisingly my grandma. She hadn’t changed one bit and she was her usual spicy self whom me and my cousin would giggle about under the covers when we were supposed to be sleeping when we were little. We always wanted her to dye her hair blue and go roller skating with us. We would stay up all night laughing about how much fun that would be and all the funny off color things she would say. We told her about our plan at some point and her typical response of “oh for pete’s sake” was uttered for the hundreth time. I have never heard anyone use that phrase but my grandma uses it all the time and it’s hilarious.

When I was at my dad’s, I got to spend time with my niece. She is six months old already! She is adorable and seriously the best baby ever. She never cries, could care less about having anyone or anything to entertain her, she prefers to watch and listen to everything going on around her. She loves to grab your hands and pull herself to standing and will do some version of a baby squat over and over and over again. I have never spent any length of time with babies but she is fun to be around since she just prefers to chill. I tell my brother she will probably give them hell when she gets older to make up for their lack of sleepless nights now.

I have not received any updates on the little dude. It doesn’t come as a surprise anymore when the 7th of each month passes with not a word from them. I don’t know how I feel about it. I keep it all wrapped inside my head and I can’t access any of it. I have to believe he is thriving, happy, healthy and has a good family. What else am I supposed to do?

My parents are in the throes of divorce paperwork. Finally. As it all becomes more real and solidified its weird. As a child going through divorce you are told you are living with this parent and visiting this parent on these days, every other holidays are spent here and stuff like that. As an adult, geez…I don’t even know what to do or think. I obviously think this is a good decision and I am hopeful this will be a good thing for my dad. I don’t like feeling like I am picking sides but c’mon lets be honest…my mom did this to herself. My dad has been trying to keep the marriage together for over 10yrs and my mom is the one who accused him of domestic violence(if you knew my dad you would laugh too)and chose not to be a mom to the three of her kids. What does she expect?! I have felt incredibly guilty over our relationship lately. My therapist told me I should not feel that way. A relationship takes two and she obviously wants no part of it so why waste my energy on someone who has no desire to want to have a relationship. With everything that happened with my grandma, I couldn’t help but think what would I do in that situation if it was my mom. Would I be the good daughter and be by her side? Or would I be a concerned bystander? It makes me feel like crap that I could not answer this. I want to be able to definitively say I would be the good daughter. I can’t though. I have tried to email her more often in a half-ass effort to keep her up to date. I sent her an email about my grades and my tentative summer job and even went out on a limb to invite her over to my place for my 25th birthday and her response was this:

“What specific character qualities, or behaviors does grandma have to cause so many people to say to me ” I just love your mother”?

Thank you for your input and observations.”

What is that? I do not even know how to respond? Anyone have any ideas? What is the motive behind this? Wouldn’t someone be happy that so many people love her mother and because so many people love my grandma she is rarely without visitors on a day to day basis. To me that is amazing and I am so thankful my grandma has all of these friends! So I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. This morning I get this email titled “Feeling Pressured“:

“It isn’t a good time for me to visit you.  It would be fun but I have some more pressing things that need to be taken care of.”

Why does she have to put it that way. As if I care, I mean really…the last time I ever saw her around my birthday was over 6-7yrs ago. Last year she was in Europe and this year there are more pressing matters. I don’t mean to sound as if because it is my 25th she should feel obligated to spend time with me, nah, but she could have just said it wouldn’t work out instead of making it sound I was some distant acquaintance she was just avoiding. I guess in reality that is what our relationship is.

Therapy has been good I guess. I don’t think therapy is ever fun, haha. We have been discussing what I know about my birthfamily and my early years. First phone call with my birthmom she threw out there that she had used cocaine for a great deal of her pregnancy with me. I never put much weight into this revelation though. Although as time goes by in therapy we have discussed if this could be a possibility. There is no way to know the truth about this but looking back it makes a lot of sense, even current things. I hate being touched. As a baby I refused to be held and would fight like crazy to get away. I had a strange sensitivity to the feel of clothing and food. Even as a baby I had insomnia. I would just lay awake in my crib for hours entertaining myself. I know this because my foster mom kept a daily log about me for the future adoptive parents. Low birth weight(this could also be attributed to the fact my birthmom smoked a pack a day). This information obviously does change me or the way I do things. Leaving therapy after discussing this I became fairly angry. I don’t get it. Even though my pregnancy was miserable, unplanned and I never fully grasped the fact I was pregnant I would never have used drugs while pregnant. I am hurt that my birthmom would so freely divulge this information. Makes me feel like I really never mattered to her and that will never change. It is actually a lot to take in even though I have had this knowledge for almost 5yrs. Does this explain certain things about my behavior and overall weird things that make me, me? I guess it really isn’t something to dwell on or think if she had not done drugs what would I be like.

There is more but I won’t bore myself or anyone else. I have been tentatively offered a job in Maine for the summer so that would be fun. I am going to make a point of it to blog more often. It is a good release and after going so long without writing I forget that.