“Not I,nor anyone else can travel that road for you. You must travel it by yourself. It is not far. It is within reach.Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know. Perhaps it is everywhere – on water and land.”
- Walt Whitman “Leaves of Grass”
Does this journey end? No, probably not. I heard a quote on Nashville that was really powerful “Don’t let your past define you. Let it refine you”. I love that. I know my past has been checkered with questionable decisions and actions. Some of the those decisions were made for me such as being placed for adoption, being raised by a bi-polar abusive mother, how my dad made no effort to protect his kids, my genetic makeup, that my birthmom would have aborted me if she had known about her pregnancy sooner, both my mothers not wanting a relationship with me, how I was educated, ect…you get the idea. There were definitely things I had control over. Such as placing Asher, education after childhood, jobs, relationships, where I live, ect…
I am not referring to the journey of life but of adoption. It has been such an integral part of my since the day I was born. My life was pre-planned and orchestrated before I was ever born. With this journey came pain, loss, what ifs and no idea how to proceed. Do I hate being adopted? Yes and no. I hate the not knowing, the lack of answers, the rejection. With that being said though, I would not be the same person I am today without having been adopted. I have a fire for advocacy for adoption reform. I WANT MY OBC! I have compassion and empathy for people hurting and/or dealing with loss. I have an insight that most my age do not. I am wiser beyond my years. I am motivated to be better than my DNA and amom’s abuse.
I wasn’t even prepared for the things that gave me somewhat of a connection. How much I am told my mannerisms are my birthmothers, how much I am like my maternal grandmother, my birthfather is Canadian, I am Irish and German, my brother and I could be identical twins, my brother and I laugh the same(which I love because I have always hated my rather unusual laugh, thank goodness someone else has suffered the strange looks that I have gotten over the years), all of my birthfathers kids have blue eyes, members of my birthfamily(more so my maternal side)have served in just about every war the US has fought in.
Those things matter but they bring me not much closer to my roots than when I started this journey years ago. What are roots anyway? Is the foundation given to you by the family who has raised you or made you? Is this more about me learning to be okay as me or attempting to fill the unknown void? I yearn for silly things many take for granted. Yet I push everyone away. I don’t trust anyone. The things I want most are simple, taken for granted by many, a given for most people and I know I will never have that. That to me seems to be my biggest hurdle. Learning to live around that void and learn to accept it. Life isn’t fair. Use this journey to create a path all my own. A creater of something better than this, something my own. A story all my own because so far my story has been pre-ordained and written by others, things out of control. Of course, as an adult I had control over my own decisions but I mean the entirety of my life, being adopted was out of my control. Controlled by someone other than me, something that changed my entire life. This was not the life I was meant to live. That is something that I can never ever get back. Now I have to find a way to pick up the pieces of my missing life and piece them together with the life I am leading…somehow this has to all work out to become cohesive. I have felt like I have been living two lives for too long. Time to stop letting the past control my future.