It’s my fault.

I am in the process of making some drastic life changes(moving and very SOON!!)and of course when making these decisions geez it gets uncomfortable. I guess realizing and coming to terms with the fact I messed up in the past really freaking sucks. School for instance, when I wasn’t pregnant I spent the majority of my time drinking. Not partying, drinking alone in my house. That and feeling so lousy about myself self esteem wise I would have a hard time making it to classes on occasion. The whole self esteem thing, there are days where I do not even want to leave my house because I just do not want to be looked at by anyone whether they are actually looking at me or not for some reason or another I cannot handle it. I honestly believe it is anxiety more than anything. I am taking responsibility for it though and saying it is my fault for being a shit student. Now as far as school goes…I have too many credits to go to a community college and my GPA is so bad I don’t even want to apply to a 4yr school and have them wonder why in the hell do I think I could possibly do better at their school then at the previous school where I failed miserably. I feel stuck. I honestly don’t really know what to do. I have all the general education classes(all passing grades, its mostly the electives that are shitty grades)…so now I just need to finish the last two years. I am feeling pretty lousy these days about the whole thing. Sometimes I regret going to school at all, but it was the best thing I ever did. Catch-22.

Along with my huge pile of debt, I seriously feel like I am sinking. Once again, my fault. I chose to use my credit card I had no business using because I was out of work. Not only did I use it but I used it pretty much only for alcohol. Nice job, way to go me. Someone please kick me in the ass. Medical debt too, coming out of everywhere. An ultrasound that wasn’t paid for by the agency(seriously?!)is in collections, they probably call me 3-4 times a day. Doctors fees from when I had my gallbladder out last year…they call me at least 3 times a day. I just got this job and within two days of getting paid all of my money has gone towards bills, so I know I am making steps in the right direction. Feels like it is not enough though.

I am not running from anything with this move(which I will say more when the plan is 110% firm, right now it is probably 95% a go). I have no expectations. Although I do plan on living in my car until I get a job there. I do not care I just honestly have to get away from here if I want to keep going on a ‘good’ path.

So not the Christmas spirit around here. My dad is super depressed and mopes around for the majority of the day. Brother1 just got a job and he is bitter he has to work at all, oh please. Brother2 is still choosing to be homeless, yes choosing…he can come home any day. My mom is in Hawaii until January and then is moving to a friends house as per-usual. She only contacts me by e-mail to get any gossip in the family and I just don’t reply anymore. We all kind of agreed, no Christmas this year which honestly is a blessing. For the last 10years Christmas has been a progressively horrible holiday in my family and the last three have been spent with just my brothers and dad exchanging very small gifts. This year I am working, brother2 will be on the streets, brother1 could care less and dad is going to the casino. So weird.