“All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life: there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Shapshots don’t show the million decisions that led to that moment.”
- R. Baach
I have been reading a bunch of different articles, blogs and forums about how others view a woman thinking or have placed their baby. What the thought process is, what steps do you take first before exhausting the final decision and so on. When I read these I feel sick to my stomach most of the time. Things like “just because you can have a child doesn’t mean you can or should parent that child, did you really exhaust every option before choosing adoption?, you just didn’t try hard enough to make it work.” Things like that…
Honestly…setting aside the way Asher was conceived…fine maybe I didn’t try hard enough to parent but until you walk in my shoes and know what is like to be pregnant in the way I became pregnant, do not tell me I did not try hard enough to do everything I could for him. My body hated being pregnant and I did my best for him in that way. And I don’t think I would have been a good mom to him. I feel like there would have been a lot of resentment(not hatred), I would have wondered all the what-ifs…I just never wanted kids and then to wham be pregnant, yea damn right I was not having any of it. To be perfectly honest, yea…I did not do everything in my power to parent him. I didn’t exhaust every single option. I dabbled around but my heart was never in it to go for the long haul. Do I regret that? Sure, but at the same time I still hold onto the belief that I would have been a shit mom to him and he deserved better than me. When I was pregnant and the thought of parenting came to mind all I could think about was my mom and how she parented(or the lack thereof)me and shit it scared me. I would never want my kid to be raised like I was and sure I probably wouldn’t have been the same at all but it still to this day scares the shit out of me to think even for a minute that I could be any way like my mom(or moms). So yea, in a way I placed Asher because I was terrified of being a horrible parent, of failing him, of doing too many wrongs and not enough rights…I look at both of my mothers(adoptive & birth)and I wonder which was the lesser of two evils, heck I don’t know. Wish I wouldn’t have been raised by one and raised by the other, yea I couldn’t answer that question.
Just to throw it out there…I have no intentions at this time to have any more kids. I really don’t. Marriage is still in the maybe pile. I just can’t see myself doing any of that stuff. I am petrified with fear of being like either of my mothers.
Yea, I don’t know what I felt compelled to write this but I every time I read something negative about a birthmom who didn’t do everything in her power to keep her and her child together it pisses me off. They can’t make a generalized statement for every single birthmom and just say if you didn’t try you obviously didn’t want your child. All I gotta say is walk in my shoes for that nine months I was pregnant and the past 14 months and then we can talk.
So about a month ago I told the majority of my friends on Facebook about Asher. I did make it private from family and family friends and for some of those people who are only on your Facebook to stalk you but I am lame and don’t want to delete them and hurt their feelings(because honestly they will just keep trying to re-add me anyway). I had been thinking about doing it for a long time and finally was just like, screw it…I am doing it. Felt good. I honestly wasn’t too worried about what would happen after I posted it, what does it really matter anyway…sure would be an easy way to weed people out of my life if they were really gonna be rude about it. Actually though the response was definitely better than I thought. To be honest I figured people just wouldn’t say anything. All in all, I am glad I did it.
December 12th, 2011 at 7:57 am
There is so much judgment everywhere when it comes to adoption. Your experience is your experience. It is no one else’s business to tell you what you “should” have done. You did what you could and that’s that. I’m sorry that you are having such a rough time but I’m very glad that your facebook “coming out” was positive
December 12th, 2011 at 8:12 am
It is freeing to come out of the adoption closet, isn’t it? I was also scared to put it all “out there”, but am so glad that I did.
I don’t fault anyone for not trying everything possible to parent before choosing adoption. I didn’t even allow myself to consider parenting my son due to life circumstances I was living in. If I had to go back, and everything was still the same as it was then, I would still choose adoption.
I think that what a lot of people have been writing about lately is that an expectant mother must be given the opportunity to try everything possible before adoption is chosen.
I love that quote you started the post with ~ So very true!
December 12th, 2011 at 5:04 pm
This…. “Yea, I don’t know what I felt compelled to write this but I every time I read something negative about a birthmom who didn’t do everything in her power to keep her and her child together it pisses me off. They can’t make a generalized statement for every single birthmom and just say if you didn’t try you obviously didn’t want your child. All I gotta say is walk in my shoes for that nine months I was pregnant and the past 14 months and then we can talk.”…is my favorite part. No one can judge you but you. No one’s walked in your shoes even if they’re similar, so no one has the right to say, “I could never do that” or “you didn’t do the right thing.” You did what YOU felt was best. You know I didn’t feel equipped to parent either & never wanted kids of my own, so I understand your reasons. The people who make statements like that seem to frequently be the ones that think all adoptions are evil and that all potential adoptive parents or people that are already adoptive parents are evil based upon just THEIR experience. “Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” We all have to be accountable for our own decisions (and no one else’s) in the end, and you being at peace with what you did for Asher is more valuable than anything anyone else could say. (And yes, that pisses me off too – not only for you, but for me.)