Oh hey what do ya know?!

So my biobrother called me out of the blue last night. I haven’t talked to him since February 2010. We only talked briefly. He doesn’t talk much and he is so quiet when he talks I can barely understand him. I did ask about our mom though…last I heard she had a staph infection inbetween her toes from shooting meth. Awesome. I kind of figured she died. Sad to say it but I actually believed that. Nope, apparently not. She is now prostituting herself out of a skeezy rent by the hour motel in Phoenix somewhere. My brother said he lived with her for awhile but it got too bad and he couldn’t stand seeing her come home beat up or high out of her mind anymore. This woman has Hepatitis C(untreated), is an alcoholic and been a meth user for the last 10 years. By all means at this point she should be dead. I am so freaking amazed she is alive. No joke. I cannot believe it. In my mind she has been dead to me. There was more than just the untreated staph infection(which must have been treated at some point)that gave me the impression she died. A lot of calls from her work saying I was her emergency contact(don’t get me started on that), yadayadayada, bunch of other crap. Anyway…is it a bummer that she still in a way is dead to me? I don’t mean that in a bad way. I love her and always will. I just feel like I already went through some kind of a grieving process and now to have all of that re-opened I just don’t know. Brother also mentioned that she had asked for my number and wanted to talk with me. I said he could give it to her. What really is there to say after meeting her once in 2009 and never hearing from her again. I think some part of me is scared as hell to even put myself into my adoptee shoes and put myself out there again.

Oh and my youngest half-sister is somewhere in the foster care system after attempting to live at my bdad’s. Her mom doesn’t want her so she got pawned off to grandma and grandma didn’t want her so pawned her off to my perverted alcoholic bdad. Awesome. My sister has called me a couple times and after he tried to have sex with her she called the cops and she has been out ever since. I feel really bad for her that there is really nothing I can do to help her except be a contact on the phone and Facebook. I am glad she had to guts to call the cops though. Good for her. He tried to pull the same crap on me when I first met him. He did call me and leave a message a few weeks ago and whoops I have forgotten to call him back. My bad.

I suppose the adoptee shoes are back on. Screw it though. I want nothing to do with these people. I did at one point badly want these people in my life. So badly that I self sabotaged good things in my life to make myself fit into their life better. It still didn’t work. I am going to stop being an adoptee and be one of those stork babies left on peoples’ doorsteps. I don’t want their DNA, I don’t want my mom’s hair and my dad’s eyes. It actually gives me the creeps. Ya know, I am glad I was given up for adoption…but I turn around and say “why?”…I would have been the same person. My personality is the same. My aparents aren’t much better(oh hell the crap going on with them right now is ridiculous)just have much different issues. I just don’t even know anymore. How the hell am I still alive? How the hell am I semi-normal and functioning? I just don’t get it. I really really don’t.


3 responses to “Oh hey what do ya know?!

  • wsbirthmom

    I am so sorry that your families are soooo complicated. My heart goes out to you. You have a good head on your shoulders – let’s just go with you got the ‘best’ of the first family, and you got to this point with your Afamily. Now, it’s all you. Do you, and do it great. Ping me anytime…my email is wsbirthmom at g mail dot com. I’ll be happy to lend an ear. (((HUGS)))

  • Artemis

    This is all so tough Lisa.
    I don’t know what to say; I don’t really have anything useful to say.
    If it helps at all though, in any way, I’m thinking about you and wishing you whatever it takes to come out of all this in a positive way.

  • Monika

    I think your bio mom is a fighter – hence the reason that she’s still alive. She’s got an emotional power somewhere deep inside that causes her to fight to stay alive. And I think she passed along that same fighting spirit to you. After all the hell that you’ve been through in your life (and my heart aches for you because of it), you’re still alive. You’re still fighting. You still want to be here on this earth…and I, for one, want you here!

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