Good.

I got my acceptance letter to the college I applied to for this Fall. I am not super excited about going to this particular college but it is the right choice for me right now. It won’t be a bad thing, I just wanted to move far far away. This college is 8hrs away from my hometown so it is far enough away for it to be inconvenient for certain people to come visit me at random times. 

I have been working a ton and am taking 15credits of online classes so I am just exhausted all the time. Plus being depressed, I just feel drained. I have contacted several therapists in my area last week and haven’t heard back from any of them. So maybe it’s a sign? I don’t know…

Thats about it. Just a quick update. 

So much.

I have known for a little over a month now that my youngest brother’s girlfriend is pregnant. They have been together since August. When they first got together they lived by the river and in his truck in a grocery store parking lot. They have since moved in with her step dad who does not want them living there in his one bedroom apartment but feels bad for them or something I guess. My brother was never kicked out. He chose to leave my dads because he didn’t want to abide by any of the house rules. No smoking on the property. Clean up after yourself. Do your own laundry. Do random things dad asks because he needs the help. Silly things a 22yr old boy should be more than capable of doing. They have already told everyone in our family and to hear the responses literally makes me want to throw up. Yet it reaffirms why I never said anything. The responses I would have gotten would have been much worse being that I am the oldest, only girl and the only one seeking higher education. Plus I have been the ‘good kid’ for the past 3 years or so which is a change because I was always the rotten seed, so to be called the good kid is something I don’t want to change.

When my dad found out he freaked out after my brother hung up the phone. He storms into my room and asks “do I know what my brother did this time?! He knocked up his trashy girlfriend. He has to marry her now. He is stuck with her for life! Or else that kid is going to be an outcast bastard.” Really?! What is this the 40′s?! When he was saying that it really pulled me back to that place I was in two years ago. And how glad I chose to never say anything. My maternal grandmother refused to send him a birthday card and has cut him off. He is no longer a grandson to her she says. “Let this be a lesson to you and J(other brother).” What is that supposed to scare me? Geez. All I can do is thank god I trusted my intuition to not say anything.

Worst of all is my mother. She refuses to believe it. She said she won’t believe it is true until it is born and has been DNA tested. Really? I think it messes with her mind and the fact she couldn’t have kids. Once again her unresolved infertility comes back to bite her in the ass and it is oh so obvious. My mother the staunch Christian(well hypocrite in my eyes)brings P’s girlfriend a book on why abortion isn’t wrong. Hahaha…not in a million years did I ever see that one coming. I am disgusted by the way my family is treating this situation. I have talked with both my brother and his girlfriend, neither know about my situation though, I just informed them of the help available to them and what they would need for the baby the first few months. No one else is helping them! My dad refuses and said the kid is better off in foster care than with my brother(might be true)…I just hate this and everytime someone says something about their situation it just turns to me in my head and it hurts deep. I am really really having a hard time with this because my brother is so damn excited to be a dad yet he has nothing. He plays video games all day and refuses to get a job. His high school dropout girlfriend is excited too and she has no job, nothing. How can you be excited about this?! They have no idea what is going to hit them in less than six months.

I am being supportive. Driving her to doctors appointments, whatever she needs but it sucks. I can’t help but want to vomit whenever I see an ultrasound picture or they ask me if I am excited to be an aunt. Honestly, no…no I am not excited. It’s hard and the last few days for some reason I am crying(yea actually crying)myself to sleep just about every night. Not just about the aunt thing…just a lot of things. A lot going on right now in my head…thoughts that shouldn’t be there but are…things I know I shouldn’t be doing but I do them anyway…forgoing homework to drink…living paycheck to paycheck so I can afford alcohol and cigarettes. This is not what I should be doing right now. Same cycle different day. I think I need help.

First Visit.

My first visit went amazing! I was so nervous beforehand I cannot even tell you. I wasn’t sure if it was the not eating for a few days before, the three trips to Starbucks during my three and half hour drive or nerves or a combination of all three but by the time I made it to Portland I wanted to throw up. I drove by their road probably three or four times before actually going up it and after almost killing a handful of bicyclists(what the heck is with all the bicyclists in Portland?!), I went for it. As I pull up E and Asher are waiting on the stairs and geez did it ever bring back all the emotions for split second. All I could think was “what was I doing here, this isn’t right, I could turn around now and go home, I feel sick and want to barf”. By the time all the negative thoughts were done I was already at the top of the stairs and we were saying our hello’s. E and I spent most of the time talking while Asher played and showed off his toy car he got for Christmas. That was actually the best part; getting to know her. We didn’t have a lot of time for that in the NICU and all so it was so good to have the time to do it now. We are a lot alike and we both commented on if adoption hadn’t brought us together and we met under different circumstances we could see each other being friends. We talked about adoption and how it has affected both our lives. It was interesting to hear her take on infertility, open adoption and the relationships she has with her other kids’ birthfamilies which all have varying degrees of openness. Before the visit I was afraid she would feel threatened by the fact Asher and I look so much alike, you can obviously tell we are genetically related. It was the exact opposite! She wanted to see my feet next to his because she was commenting on his long wide feet and wondered if mine were the same(they are). She wanted to know what I was like as a baby because his sleeping habits are terrible, little insomniac baby. Another thing we have in common. I got to see him interact with his big brother which was so fun!

Asher loves to dance. Whenever LMFAO’s “I’m sexy and I know it” comes on the radio he booty dances. We went to lunch and the music was so quiet neither E nor I could hear it but we look over and Asher is grooving and sure enough there was soft music playing. He is a super happy kid. And a big flirt! When he first saw me he stared at me, wasn’t scared, just wanted to stare than he would smile and bat his eyelashes. He is a cuddle freak too! He loves to cuddle and snuggle which is not my thing at all but he sure felt inclined to want to nap on me against my wishes, lol.

Visiting really gave me a peace I didn’t know could exist with adoption. I feel like I always knew I made the right decision but it still hurt. It still hurts now but in a much different way.  Being able to see him with E and to get to know her better as a person and to meet their oldest son and to see the person he is because of how he was raised just made me realize what in fact I gave to Asher. He will truly have many things I could not offer to him and I don’t mean material things. I got to see him happy in his home with his mom who loves me and cherishes the bond he and I will always share and isn’t threatened by that at all. What more could I ask for? Yes, I will always love him and want to be his mom in some way but I am ok with how everything has turned out so far. I really could not have asked for a better family for him, they are truly amazing and I feel blessed for how the crazy adoption stuff turned out in the end because it is exactly how it should be.

I wrote D & E a letter after I got back from visiting. Just letting them know my feelings about the visit and about how I felt about them as a family. I haven’t sent it and maybe I never will. I just really never thought this would be my life. I am almost 24yrs old(less than two weeks). I learned I was adopted at 14, met my birthparents at 21, was raped at 21, pregnant at 22(found out I was pregnant on my 22nd birthday)and I wonder why all of these things have happened. I don’t know but I do know I am a stronger better person because of it all and while that may sound funny because none of it sounds good…it wasn’t at the time but all of those experiences have shaped who I am now and I don’t think I would change any of it. I am actually beginning to like myself which is a first in my life. I am realizing the people who choose to spend their time with me and be my friends like me because of who I am and the things I have been through because it adds a richness to my character. I like that. I am going to be ok no matter what happens. I just feel like after this visit it really has brought perspective to the whole open adoption experience and while this will be something with me my entire life, I feel blessed and hopeful.

…and a month has gone by.

Whoops. Kinda didn’t realize a whole month has gone by since I last updated. I am glad I didn’t post on moving a month ago because it isn’t happening now. I will be moving but not as soon as I hoped and when I know much firmer plans I will update then.

E texted me a lot in December which is very unlike her but definitely welcomed. I got two videos(on Facebook for those who are friends there)and plenty of pictures. We even set a date for the first visit. January 18th! Oh whoops thats tomorrow and who is having a freak snow storm?! Oh that’s right…me. Just my luck huh?! So E and I both decided it would be better to wait it out and we will try again on the 30th. I will just be going for the day. I will most likely just be me E and Asher. Although D might be there or he might be on a business trip, not sure yet. Either way I am so beyond excited I cannot even put it into words.

I am working full time and going to school full time. Doesn’t really leave me any time for much of anything anymore. I am hoping to take the month of March off of work to have ankle/foot surgery I have put off for two years now. It was scheduled and then I got pregnant and so now it just really needs to be done. Since I started working my foot goes numb for the majority of the time and I sometimes feel like the only thing holding it to my leg is bone and skin. Sometimes I feel like there are no tendons, ligaments and muscles and I will lose the ability to put weight on it and the pain increases daily. In the mornings when I get out of bed I can barely walk because it is so painful and after work the swelling is so bad and causes bruising. Ready for this to be over with! I had all my MRI’s and labs re-done since they were originally done two years ago. The tendon has definitely torn more and is just going to keep tearing like a piece of paper unless it is fixed. The surgery is called a Brostrom procedure, pretty much exactly what they do for carpal tunnel in the wrist but for the foot. The doctor wants to talk with me about another procedure where the go through the top of the foot and reconnect the tendons and ligaments that way but that sounds like a hell of a recovery when I am already looking at three weeks no weight bearing. I need to make my final appointment with the doctor to talk all of this over and make the final decision but….I just want it over with either way.

I guess my moving plans have a lot to do with my school plans and where I go with that. So I am still all up in the air about where I am going to school and all that as of right now. I am seriously living one freaking day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and at times minute by minute.

So that’s it…I will post pictures and videos soon!!!

It’s my fault.

I am in the process of making some drastic life changes(moving and very SOON!!)and of course when making these decisions geez it gets uncomfortable. I guess realizing and coming to terms with the fact I messed up in the past really freaking sucks. School for instance, when I wasn’t pregnant I spent the majority of my time drinking. Not partying, drinking alone in my house. That and feeling so lousy about myself self esteem wise I would have a hard time making it to classes on occasion. The whole self esteem thing, there are days where I do not even want to leave my house because I just do not want to be looked at by anyone whether they are actually looking at me or not for some reason or another I cannot handle it. I honestly believe it is anxiety more than anything. I am taking responsibility for it though and saying it is my fault for being a shit student. Now as far as school goes…I have too many credits to go to a community college and my GPA is so bad I don’t even want to apply to a 4yr school and have them wonder why in the hell do I think I could possibly do better at their school then at the previous school where I failed miserably. I feel stuck. I honestly don’t really know what to do. I have all the general education classes(all passing grades, its mostly the electives that are shitty grades)…so now I just need to finish the last two years. I am feeling pretty lousy these days about the whole thing. Sometimes I regret going to school at all, but it was the best thing I ever did. Catch-22.

Along with my huge pile of debt, I seriously feel like I am sinking. Once again, my fault. I chose to use my credit card I had no business using because I was out of work. Not only did I use it but I used it pretty much only for alcohol. Nice job, way to go me. Someone please kick me in the ass. Medical debt too, coming out of everywhere. An ultrasound that wasn’t paid for by the agency(seriously?!)is in collections, they probably call me 3-4 times a day. Doctors fees from when I had my gallbladder out last year…they call me at least 3 times a day. I just got this job and within two days of getting paid all of my money has gone towards bills, so I know I am making steps in the right direction. Feels like it is not enough though.

I am not running from anything with this move(which I will say more when the plan is 110% firm, right now it is probably 95% a go). I have no expectations. Although I do plan on living in my car until I get a job there. I do not care I just honestly have to get away from here if I want to keep going on a ‘good’ path.

So not the Christmas spirit around here. My dad is super depressed and mopes around for the majority of the day. Brother1 just got a job and he is bitter he has to work at all, oh please. Brother2 is still choosing to be homeless, yes choosing…he can come home any day. My mom is in Hawaii until January and then is moving to a friends house as per-usual. She only contacts me by e-mail to get any gossip in the family and I just don’t reply anymore. We all kind of agreed, no Christmas this year which honestly is a blessing. For the last 10years Christmas has been a progressively horrible holiday in my family and the last three have been spent with just my brothers and dad exchanging very small gifts. This year I am working, brother2 will be on the streets, brother1 could care less and dad is going to the casino. So weird.

Uh, what?

“All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life: there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Shapshots don’t show the million decisions that led to that moment.”
- R. Baach

I have been reading a bunch of different articles, blogs and forums about how others view a woman thinking or have placed their baby. What the thought process is, what steps do you take first before exhausting the final decision and so on. When I read these I feel sick to my stomach most of the time. Things like “just because you can have a child doesn’t mean you can or should parent that child, did you really exhaust every option before choosing adoption?, you just didn’t try hard enough to make it work.” Things like that…

Honestly…setting aside the way Asher was conceived…fine maybe I didn’t try hard enough to parent but until you walk in my shoes and know what is like to be pregnant in the way I became pregnant, do not tell me I did not try hard enough to do everything I could for him. My body hated being pregnant and I did my best for him in that way. And I don’t think I would have been a good mom to him. I feel like there would have been a lot of resentment(not hatred), I would have wondered all the what-ifs…I just never wanted kids and then to wham be pregnant, yea damn right I was not having any of it. To be perfectly honest, yea…I did not do everything in my power to parent him. I didn’t exhaust every single option. I dabbled around but my heart was never in it to go for the long haul. Do I regret that? Sure, but at the same time I still hold onto the belief that I would have been a shit mom to him and he deserved better than me. When I was pregnant and the thought of parenting came to mind all I could think about was my mom and how she parented(or the lack thereof)me and shit it scared me. I would never want my kid to be raised like I was and sure I probably wouldn’t have been the same at all but it still to this day scares the shit out of me to think even for a minute that I could be any way like my mom(or moms). So yea, in a way I placed Asher because I was terrified of being a horrible parent, of failing him, of doing too many wrongs and not enough rights…I look at both of my mothers(adoptive & birth)and I wonder which was the lesser of two evils, heck I don’t know. Wish I wouldn’t have been raised by one and raised by the other, yea I couldn’t answer that question.

Just to throw it out there…I have no intentions at this time to have any more kids. I really don’t. Marriage is still in the maybe pile. I just can’t see myself doing any of that stuff. I am petrified with fear of being like either of my mothers.

Yea, I don’t know what I felt compelled to write this but I every time I read something negative about a birthmom who didn’t do everything in her power to keep her and her child together it pisses me off. They can’t make a generalized statement for every single birthmom and just say if you didn’t try you obviously didn’t want your child. All I gotta say is walk in my shoes for that nine months I was pregnant and the past 14 months and then we can talk.

So about a month ago I told the majority of my friends on Facebook about Asher. I did make it private from family and family friends and for some of those people who are only on your Facebook to stalk you but I am lame and don’t want to delete them and hurt their feelings(because honestly they will just keep trying to re-add me anyway). I had been thinking about doing it for a long time and finally was just like, screw it…I am doing it. Felt good. I honestly wasn’t too worried about what would happen after I posted it, what does it really matter anyway…sure would be an easy way to weed people out of my life if they were really gonna be rude about it. Actually though the response was definitely better than I thought. To be honest I figured people just wouldn’t say anything. All in all, I am glad I did it.

I haven’t actually sat down and watched movies in awhile. My body is so sore and my mind so tired that I just have done nothing all day yesterday except watch movies. Brilliant. I am a sucker for indie dramas especially the super depressing ones. I don’t know why but I love them. Any movie about the real nitty gritty parts of life, the beautiful highs and the sunken lows. So I happened to get two amazing movies in a row. Seriously, that never happens. Way random for my blog but mini movie reviews!

 

“Beautiful Boy” – Um, amazing. Sobbing through this movie would be a completely acceptable reaction. It is about a marriage falling apart between two people whose only child, a son, is away at his freshman year of college. Their son, Sam, ends up killing 20+ people at his campus including himself in the very beginning of the movie. The movie is brilliant, everything about it. Maria Bello is definitely one of my favorite actress’ and this movie proves why. There is a scene where the husband and wife go to a restaurant shortly after this whole thing happens and he gets up from the table to grab menus. While gone, the wife completely loses it for the first time and wow…kinda sealed the deal for that I loved this movie and I really can’t explain why.

“Sarah’s Key” – Why do we learn nothing about this in history classes?! I mean seriously! Can’t really say much about this movie without giving it away but if you like movies about history or movies pertaining to the Holocaust…AMAZING. This is like a grown up version of “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”. Seriously…watch it.

Oh and for other history fan film watchers, see “The Conspirator” and “Defiance”!!!!! Seriously amazing movies!!

So if you would like to know my favorite movies: Into the Wild, The Reader, Splendor in the Grass, Biutiful, Mother and Child, Candy, Girl Interrupted, The Piano, Moll Flanders, East of Eden(1981 mini-series version), Blow, The Help…way more but I can’t even remember. I suppose the TV shows I watch are a bit lighter; Parenthood, Prime Suspect, Law & Order: SVU, Desperate Housewives, Private Practice, Grey’s Anatomy, Body of Proof, Last Man Standing, Bones, In Plain Sight, Weeds, Californication and Saving Grace. That’s a lot. Haha, I rarely ever watch them weekly…mostly when I am doing homework or super bored and get them on Netflix or Hulu.

Oh and if you read this blog and happen to love movies in these genre’s I would love to hear movie suggestions!!

 

Continue reading

Blogosphere.

Quite a few of the blogs I read frequently discuss the bad adoption story lines that seem to be ALL over TV and movies these days. I honestly watch so few of these shows and the ones I do watch I could honestly care less about that I don’t really invest much emotional thought into. Lately Glee has been the topic and yea I will admit I only started watching this show because of the adoption story line and then promptly dropped it after two episodes because it is such a boring show in general.

A blog I read The Chronicles of Munchkin Land wrote a post on Glee and how Quinn deals with it. Um, wow…

             ”Yes, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s a freaking mess. You don’t relinquish your child without some kind of freaking mess. The best of us are able to talk it out with unbiased counselors who have experience with birth parent grief and loss. The worst of us… they don’t make it. The ones in between, the majority of us, try to find ways to piece it all together, to make it work, to enjoy the good, to grieve the bad, to make some sense of the hurt, the pain and the fear. Some of us hide the freaking mess better than others. Sometimes even those who are masters of disguise fall apart in public sometimes when we’re poked or prodded or put on display as some kind of role model — for the good or the bad. And I can assure you that not one of us wants to be a freaking mess. I don’t enjoy the hole in my heart. I don’t like how, as her birthday draws near, my first instinct is to hole up within myself, curl into a ball and hold very still until it all passes. I don’t wish this pain, this hurt, this emptiness on even my worst of enemies. I understand those who lash out in anger. I understand those who put on the happy face. I understand those who turn to alcohol or drugs. I understand those who put on the ambivalent face of disinterest. I’ve done it all — save for drugs and alcohol (and probably only the latter because my kidney disorder makes me a rather cheap date). I understand that all of that comes back to the hurt, the ache and wanting someone, anyone — just one damn person — to understand how it feels. To ask you if you’re okay. To sit in silence with you as you stare at her picture on her birthday.

 

That hit me so hard that it is still resonating with me after having read it when she first posted it.

Worn out.

Work is kicking my butt. Like it though I guess.

My blood pressure has never gone down since having Asher. Ugh, so lately that has really been taking its toll. About a month ago I went on a hike and got about two miles in and had to sit down because I was so dizzy and my heart was beating out of my chest. I have been taking my blood pressure and heart rate in the mornings…ugh, average resting heart of 112 in the mornings while I am still pretty much in bed. My bp has been about 160/85-90…sometimes higher. 

I just don’t feel good when I work out because I end up feeling so sick which is frustrating because I guarantee you my doctor will say I have high bp only in her office because I have “white coat syndrome” or I am fat and need to lose weight to lower my bp. Kinda hard to work out when I feel like passing out but whatever. That is why I am keeping track of this until I go to the doctor so she realizes this is a long-ish term issue. 

2011 Open Adoption Interview Project, Interview Day!

So I decided to participate in Production, Not Reproduction’s  adoption interview project. I was partnered with, Amy. Her blog “Jim and Amy Hoping to Adopt” is very insightful to the challenges and joys a family goes through while they are waiting to adopt. Plus she is an amazing writer and her husband guest blogs occasionally. I was very grateful to have an insightful interview partner who came up with some great interview questions. So here is my interview with her.

Amy interviewed me and you can find that on her blog here: http://www.jimandamyhopingtoadopt.blogspot.com/

1. What made you decide to start blogging?

     I have always enjoyed writing and used to keep a journal.   I wasn’t super consistent in writing in it regularly, but it was still a way for me to express my feelings and emotions. During my pregnancy, I wrote letters in a journal to our unborn baby. After our miscarriage, I just couldn’t go back to it. It brought back too many painful memories. In time, my desire and need to write returned, but I still was having a hard time picking up a journal. My friend Cindy suggested blogging. At first I considered keeping the blog private, but ultimately decided to go “public.” I am so glad that I did!

     Today, I write for three reasons. First, I still write for me. My blog is an expression of the emotions, struggles, joys, sorrows, and lessons that I am facing in our adoption journey. I am still amazed at how many posts end up being mini-devotionals that restore my hope and faith. Second, I write for all of our friends and family. I write about our experience with open adoption and try to keep everyone updated with our progress.   Finally, I write for potential birthmothers. Our “Dear Birthmother” letter and website give a lot of information about us, but hopefully my blog conveys our heart and our desire to become parents in a real and tangible way.   

2. On your blog on your “about us” page you mentioned you and your husband, Jim, like to sing together. What are some of the songs you sing together? Do you and your husband have a specific song(s) that you may or may not sing that hold a special meaning or memory?

     Jim and I met through music and it has remained an important part of our life together. We sing together at church, in the car on road trips, and occasionally at a wedding or other gathering. Jim would say that I have too many special/favorite songs to list them all, so I will highlight just a few that come to mind. The first song we sang together was “More Than Wonderful” by Larnelle Harris and Sandy Patti. This was our “go to” song to sing as a special for many years. At our wedding we sang “Household of Faith” to each other. That was really special and even now makes me smile. A song that became special during the time after our miscarriage was “Praise You in this Storm,” by Casting Crowns. The lyrics are beautiful and healing, but we have not ever sung this song in public. One that we would like played some day at our baby’s dedication is “There Can Be Miracles” from the Prince of Egypt soundtrack. It would also be nice to sing a duet with Jim; I’m just not sure if the tears of joy will allow us to sing.

 

3. What made you choose adoption as a way to start your family?

     Jim and I talked about adoption early in our marriage. We had the desire to adopt, but always thought it would be in addition to having children biologically. When we found out we had fertility issues, we decided to only pursue treatment that was covered by our insurance (We wanted to put our money toward adoption). We then waited for a door to open for us to begin the adoption process. Both of us have extended family members who have been adopted. We also know friends who have adopted. We both love kids and want to be parents. Adoption is a beautiful way for us to add to our family.     

 

4. What if adoption doesn’t end up working out (for any number of reasons). What would that look like for you and your husband? 

     We both really believe that adoption will happen for us, and we can’t let go of that belief. Not that there is anything missing in our relationship…Jim and I have been married for sixteen years. We share a closeness and friendship that is fulfilling and wonderful. Neither of us would give up our relationship with each other for anything!   But we both feel we are meant to be parents and there is a part of me that doesn’t allow me to picture the future without kids. I guess the best answer I can give is that until we are parents, we will keep doing what we are doing now…loving each other, living life, and spoiling the kids that are in our life (nieces, nephews, and friends).

5. What do you see your future relationship looking like with your future child’s birthfamily? What kind of adoption are you hoping to have? Is open adoption appealing only because it is the thing to do now? Or is it something that you really feel is the best? How do you think a perfect open adoption should look?

     Like many prospective adoptive families, we began our journey knowing little about the adoption process. When we first began researching options, we thought we would be comfortable with a semi-open adoption (exchange of letters and photos through a third party). The thought of direct contact seemed a bit too scary. Our fear of more openness was based on a lack of knowledge. The more we read about adoption, the more we began to realize the importance of openness and the benefits it had for everyone involved, especially the child. Gradually our feelings shifted from accepting openness to embracing it. We can genuinely say that open adoption is what we now choose and desire.

     There is no perfect open adoption, just as there is no perfect relationship. Good relationships take hard work, commitment, mutual respect and communication. We would like to have a close relationship with our child’s birthfamily…a relationship that includes not only the exchange of letters and pictures, but where everyone is truly invested in each other. We hope for our relationship to grow and deepen as the years go on. Our child’s birthfamily will be a part of our family…a family that like all families is not perfect, but a family that loves each other.

6. What has been the hardest part of choosing adoption as the way to start your family? 

     I think the hardest part for me is the loss of “control.” So much of the adoption process is beyond our control. Yes, we chose to pursue adoption. We chose our agency. We created our letter and website. After that, it’s out of our hands…and we can only wait. We don’t have any control over when or how it will happen. We don’t know if we will be parents today or two years from now. Sometimes it’s a scary place to be; especially for someone like me who likes to have everything planned out ahead of time.

7. I really liked your post “I Want One”(posted on 4/4/11)…what are some things that you look forward too and scared of in parenting an adopted child?

     Ok, for this question I am going to cheat a little and copy the list from our above mentioned post. Jim and I sat around one day and came up with this list together.

 

                           Things we are looking forward to about parenting…

*Not being able to sleep because we are mesmerized just watching our baby sleep

*”Arguing” over who gets to hold the baby

*Celebrating all of baby’s first- first smile, first giggle, first words, first steps

*Playing rock/paper/scissors to decide whose turn it is for late night feedings or diaper duty

*Watching each other make fools of ourselves with funny faces and baby talk

*Rocking our baby to sleep while singing lullabies

*Crawling around the floor to play

*Taking walks and playing in the park across the street

*Dancing around the house and singing

*Pulling out all the plastic bowls and wooden spoons to play along to the music

*Exploring nature and seeing the wonder and amazement in our child’s eyes

*Building a “fort” in the living room with the kitchen chairs and all the blankets in the house

*Climbing in the above mentioned fort to read stories by flashlight

*Toys all over the house

*Little fingerprints and nose prints on the walls and windows

*Cookie crumbs under the car seat

*Getting together for play dates with our friends’ kids

*Taking trips to grandma’s and grandpa’s house in Arizona

*Visiting aunts, uncles, and cousins in Michigan, Illinois and Texas

*Enjoying hot chocolate after an afternoon of sledding and snow angels

*Splashing in muddle puddles

*Building sand castles at the beach

*Making a huge pile of leaves to jump in

*Having a hug and band aid ready for scraped knees and other assorted boo-boos

*Baking cookies

*Hanging hand-drawn pictures on the fridge

*Going to church together

*Visiting some of our favorite places- Lake Tahoe, Burney Falls, and Sequoia National Park

*Teaching our child how to pet the kitty

*Laughing at corny knock-knock jokes

*Bedtime stories and cuddles before bed

     Our list could go on and on, but you get the idea:) We have waited a long time to become parents and will cherish each moment!

     Things we are scared of? I think we fear the things most parents fear- What if our child gets sick? What if our child is involved in an accident? Will we make the right choices for the future…where to live and where to send them to school? Will we make the right parenting decisions…when to set limits and when to say yes? What if we fail our children in any way?

 

8.  What has been the hardest part of adoption (besides the waiting)?

     Waiting is by far the most difficult part of adoption, but feelings of rejection is also something I have struggled with. Especially with a longer than usual wait, it’s easy to start questioning everything. Why aren’t we getting more contacts? Our letter and website must not be good enough. Why didn’t we get a second call? We must have said the wrong thing. Why haven’t we been chosen yet? We must be too old, too religious, not rich enough, not pretty enough, or maybe we are just not worthy. Of course none of this is true, but the thoughts can really creep in if you let them. One of the best pieces of advice I have received is that we do not need to connect with every birthmother; we only need to connect with one-the one! The best way to do that is by continuing to be ourselves and not fall into the trap of trying to fit into a mold that is not us.      

9. So far as prospective adoptive parents do you and your husband have advice for other families in the waiting process?

1.) Live life! It can be tempting to sit by the phone and wait for “the call.” But it’s important to not put everything on hold. Make plans for the future. Take a vacation. Enjoy being together, just the two of you.

2.) Reach out to your support system. For us that is our faith, our family and our friends. Adoption is not an easy journey and you will need someone to talk to that will listen and encourage.

3.) Set reasonable limits. You need to be honest about your finances, your emotional resources, and your family climate. You need to be willing to say no to situations that are not right for you, so that you can say yes to the right one.

4.) Do your homework! There are so many resources to educate yourself. Read. Search the internet. Don’t rush through the process. Take the time to be intentional in your decisions.

5.) The last one is from Jim…Buckle up! Adoption is a rollercoaster of emotions and circumstances. Although no two experiences are alike, the resounding theme we hear the most is that when the baby arrives, it makes the journey worth it.

10. Where do you and your husband hope to be in 10 years? How do you envision your life? What changes are you looking forward to with the addition of a child?

     Ten years from now, we hope to have several kids running around in a big house out in the country. We would love to have enough land to have a garden, pets, a tree house and plenty of room to grow and play! We envision climbing trees, riding bikes, and beach trips in the summer. We look forward to sledding, snowball fights, and hot chocolate in the winter. We want a family friendly house where sticky messes in the kitchen and impromptu forts in the living room are common place. We envision lots of noise, laughter, fun and chaotic creativity.

     One of the biggest changes we are looking forward to is being able to experience life through the eyes of our children. This summer our niece Cali and nephew Javan came to visit us for a week. We took them to Yosemite National Park, San Fransisco and a few of our favorite local state parks. Jim and I had been to all of those places before, but it was a totally new experience with Cali and Javan. Kids don’t just live life…they soak it up like little sponges. They didn’t casually stroll along Golden Gate Park…they ran up and down the hills with pure joy. They made us smile, giggle, and laugh until we were ready to roll on the floor. We still miss the noises they made in the back seat…especially Javan singing himself to sleep with “twinkle, twinkle little star.” I think that’s the part of parenthood we crave the most and look forward to the most, just spending time together as a family.         

11. From your perspective what are things that need to change in adoption?

     Two things come to mind- finances and formality. Adoption is expensive! Many agencies (like ours) try to help families find ways to afford adoption. There are grants and a tax credit that helps to recoup some of the costs. But still, adoption is out of reach for many families because they cannot afford it. I don’t know what the answer is, but money should not be a deciding factor in who chooses to adopt.  

     I also think the adoption process tends too much toward formality. I understand the reasoning for all the paperwork and legalities; they are a “necessary evil.” But relationships really can’t be put on paper! Again, I don’t have any solutions to offer- I just wish there was a way to simplify the process.    

12. What are five things that you want others to know about you as a prospective and hopefully one day an adoptive parent?

  

     This is a hard question! It’s hard to sum up our life, our dreams, and our hopes in five short sentences. So here are five things we value. This is not a complete list- but definitely priorities in our life.    

 

1.)  Our faith in God- Our relationship with God drives our lives; it affects all our relationships and impacts every decision we make.

2.)  Fun- Quality time together is important to us.

3.)  Our relationships with friends and family- We can’t imagine life without themJ 

4.)  Arts. We both love music, hobbies and crafts. Jim loves to draw and paint. I love taking pictures, sewing and writing.

5.)  Pets. We love our cat, Deuteronomy and want our children to grow up with pets.

I very much enjoyed participating in this and am looking forward to next year! Check out Amy and Jim’s blog! Thank you to Heather at “Production, Not Reproduction” for facilitating this.